100 Funniest Christmas Jokes!

Beano's greatest ever Christmas jokes collection!

Image by iStock

If an athlete gets athlete's foot, what does an elf get?

Mistle toe!


What did the beaver say to the Christmas tree?

Nice gnawing you!


Who is Santa's all-time favourite pop singer?

Elf-is Presley!


Why did the turkey cross the road?

He wasn't chicken!


What's green and covered in tinsel?

A mistle toad!


What's Tarzan's favourite Christmas carol?

Jungle Bells!


What's red, white and spotty?

Santa Claus with chickenpox!


What goes 'Oh oh oh!'?

Santa, when he puts the sleigh in reverse!


What kind of music do elves like best?

Wrap!


What did one Christmas tree decoration say to anther?

\Let's hang out!’


Which reindeer has the worst table manners?

RUDE-olph!


What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish!


How good is Santa at karate?

He has a black belt!


How do you scare a snowman?

With a hairdryer!


What do ducks pull at Christmas?

Christmas quackers!


What did the reindeer say to the elf?

Nothing - reindeer can't talk!


What do you get if you cross a vampire and a snowman?

Frostbite!


Where would you find snowmen dancing?

At a snowball!


Who solves crimes at Christmas?

Santa Clues!


How do you know if Santa's in your house?

You can sense his presents!


How many presents can Santa fit into an empty sack?

Only one - after that, it isn't empty!


What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Frosties!


What do you call people who are scared of Christmas?

Claustrophobic!


What do snowmen do when the weather's too hot for hats and scarves?

They change into puddles!


How much did Santa's sleigh cost?

Nothing - it was on the house!

Hurry Christmas
Image by iStock

Why does Santa have three gardens?


So he can 'hoe hoe hoe'!


Why does Santa go to the doctor so often?


He likes to look after his elf!


Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?


Because he had low elf esteem!


What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?


A Holly Davidson!


What did the sea say to Santa?


Nothing! It just waved!

 

Who delivers Christmas presents to baby sharks?


Santa Jaws!


Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?


Because it 'soots' him!


What do you call Santa's little helpers?


Subordinate clauses!


What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?


The elf-abet!


Why doesn’t Santa eat junk food?

Because it’s bad for your elf!


Where does Santa go when he's sick?


To the elf centre!


Who forgets to put on his underpants, then goes out to deliver presents?

Saint Knicker-less!


What do you call a man who claps at Christmas?


Sant Applause!


What is Santa Claus’s wife called? 


Mary Christmas!


What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?


Horn-aments!

 

Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?


They always drop their needles!


What's worse than a reindeer with a runny nose?


A snowman with a fever!


Why didn’t Rudolph go to school?


He was elf-taught!


Why did Rudolph cross the road?


Because he was tied to the chicken!


What do you call Rudolph with tinsel in his ears?


Anything you want, he can't hear you!


Why did the turkey join the band?


Because it had the drumsticks!


What do snowmen wear on their heads?


Ice caps!


How do snowmen get around?


They ride an icicle


What do snowmen eat for lunch?


Iceburgers!


When is a boat just like snow?


When its adrift!

Merry Crim-mas
Image by iStock

What song do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?


Freeze a jolly good fellow!


What did one snowman say to the other?


I have snow idea!


Why was the snowman rummaging in the bag of carrots?

He was picking his nose!


What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?


She gave him the cold shoulder!


How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?


Deep pan, crisp and even!


Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?


A mince spy!


What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?


'It's Christmas, Eve!'


What Christmas carol is sung in the desert?


O, Camel Ye Faithful!


What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?


Cross mouse cards!


What is the best Christmas present in the world?


A broken drum, you just can't beat it!


How do Mexican sheep say Merry Christmas?


‘Fleece Navidad!’


How did Scrooge end up with the football?


The ghost of Christmas passed!


What athlete is warmest in winter?


A long jumper!


What's the most popular Christmas wine?

'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'


Why do snowmen like living at the North Pole?


Because it's cool!


What happened to the man who stole an Advent calendar?


He got 24 days!


What month do Christmas trees hate most?

Sep-timber!


Where does Mistletoe go to become famous?

"Holly" wood!


What's the best thing to put into a Christmas Cake?


Your teeth!


What is a skunk’s favourite Christmas carol? 

Jingle Smells!

 

What’s a snowman’s favourite food?

Chilli!


Why is everyone so thirsty at the North Pole?


No well, no well!


Why don't penguins fly?


Because they're not tall enough to be pilots!


Which football team did baby Jesus support?


Manger-ster United!


Which Christmas carol is about an animal with three legs?


Little Wonkey!

Image by iStock

What is the most competitive season?


Win-ter!


Children: This turkey tastes like an old sofa!


Mum: Well, I thought you liked stuffing!


Knock Knock!


Who's there?


Snow.


Snow who?


Snow business like show business!


Knock knock!


Who's there?


Hanna.


Hanna who?


Hanna partridge in a pear tree!

 

Knock knock!


Who's there?


Holly.


Holly who?


Holly-days are here again!


Knock knock!


Who's there?


Harold.


Harold who?


Harold Angels Sing!


Doctor, Doctor! I’ve got a mince pie stuck up my nose!

What you need is some cream!


Two snowmen in a field, one turned to the other and said 'I don't know about you but I can smell carrots!'


What's the best thing to put in a Christmas dinner?

Your teeth!


Why should Christmas dinner always be well done?


So you can say 'Merry Crispness'!


What's red, white and blue at Christmas time?


A sad candy cane!


Who robs from the rich so he can gift-wrap presents for the poor?


Ribbon Hood!


What comes at the end of Christmas Day?


The letter Y!


What do angry mice send each other in December?


Cross mouse cards!

 

Why is it so cold at Christmas?


Because it's in Decembrrrr!


What did one Christmas tree say to another?


‘Lighten up!’


Why do Mummies like Christmas so much?


Because of all the wrapping!


What did one cranberry say to another?

‘Tis the season to be jelly!’


Where would you find a Christmas tree?

Between a Christmas two and a Christmas four!


Where does Santa stay when he’s on holiday?

In a ho-ho-hotel!


What does Santa eat for breakfast?

Mistle toast!


What’s red, white and green?

Santa Claus when he’s travel sick!


What does Santa spend his wages on?

Jingle bills!


How long are an elf’s legs?

Just long enough to reach the ground!

Image by iStock

How many presents can Santa fit into an empty sack?

Just one - after that, it isn't empty!


What do snowmen eat for Christmas?

Frosties!


What do you call people who are scared of Christmas?

Claus-trophobic!


What do snowmen do when the weather's too hot for hats and scarves?

They change into puddles!


How much did Santa's sleigh cost?

Nothing - it was on the house!

Image by ç

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