Sure, animal jokes are easy to come by. But great animal jokes? Now that’s a different story altogether. Our animal joke research team have put in some serious hours to collect only the finest animal jokes ever told.
There’s jokes about cats, dogs, horses, dinosaurs and even snakes, and they all come with the Beano Joke Guarantee: they will have you howling, hooting and roaring with laughter. Proper belly laugh material!
From the four-legged to the in-flight, the beaked to the barnacled, from dog jokes to elephant jokes, horse jokes to bird jokes, we’ve got them all – and we’ve even put them into different categories for when you’re after a particular animal joke in a bit of a hurry!
You’re welcome.
1. A goat, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff...
Baa-dum-sss!
2. What did the bored goat say?
Mehhh!
3. What did the goat say when it pranked the cow?
Just kidding!
4. How do you stop a goat from charging?
You unplug it!
5. What do you call a goat that likes cleaning?
A room-BAAA!
6. What do you call a goat that likes country music?
Billy Ray Cyrus!
7. What do you call a goat that knows martial arts?
The Karate Kid!
8. What’s a goat’s favourite TV show?
Britain’s Goat Talent!
9. What do you call a goat who paints pictures?
Vincent Van Goat!
10. Why is it hard to have a conversation with a goat?
They always butt in!
11. Why did the goat run off the cliff?
It didn't see the ewe turn!
12. What's 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat and 1/2 goat?
Chicago!
13. What do you call a goat with a beard?
A Goatee!
14. What’s a goat’s favourite musical?
Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat!
15. Why are goats from France so musical?
Because they have French horns!
16. What do you call a goat on a mountain?
A Hillbilly!
17. Doctor, doctor! I can't help thinking I'm a goat. How long have you felt like this?
Since I was a kid!
18. When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you're a mouse!
19. Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I’m a cat! How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kitten!
20. What do cats have minty breath?
They use mousewash!
21. What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis!
22. Why was the mouse afraid of swimming?
Catfish!
23. What's a mouse's least favourite song?
What's New, Pussycat?
24. Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs!
25. What do you call a cat who works for Santa?
Santa Claws!
26. Why should you be careful when it's raining cats and dogs?
You might step in a poodle!
27. Where do kittens go on school trips?
The mewseum!
28. What do you give a sausage dog with a fever?
Mustard - it's the best thing for a hot dog!
29. What do you call a dog falling from a great height?
A chihuahu–aaaargh!
30. Did you hear about the vampire who got a pet dog?
He'd always wanted a bloodhound!
31. What goes tick-tock woof-woof?
A watchdog!
32. What's a dog’s favourite kind of pizza?
Pup-eroni!
33. Did you hear about the dog who ate nothing but garlic?
His bark was worse than his bite!
34. Why will a dog never win Strictly?
They have two left feet!
35. Did you hear about the dog who went to see the flea circus?
He stole the show!
36. Who delivers your dog’s Christmas presents?
Santa Paws!
37. What do you call dogs who did up ancient artefacts?
Barkaeologists!
38. How do dogs train their fleas?
From scratch!
39. Why did the boy take his dog to a watchmaker?
It had ticks!
40. Why do dogs run in circles?
It's too hard to run in squares!
41. What kind of dog comes from Asgard and wields a mighty hammer?
A labrathor!
42. What is Dracula’s favourite dog?
A bloodhound!
43. Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I'm a dog! Do take a seat.
I can't - Mum says I'm not allowed on the furniture!
44. What kind of dog does magic tricks?
A Labracadabrador!
45. What do you get if you cross a dog with a calculator?
A best friend you can really count on!
46. How does a dog with no nose smell?
Terrible!
47. What's green and hangs from trees?
Dinosaur snot!
48. What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo?
A Bronco-saurus!
49. How many dinosaurs can you fit in an empty box?
One - after that, the box isn't empty!
50. What do you find on a dinosaur's floor?
Rep-tiles!
51. When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet?
When it's not raining!
52. What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes?
Out of the way as quickly as you can!
53. What's the best way to raise a baby dinosaur?
With a crane!
54. What does a dinosaur call a porcupine?
A toothbrush!
55. Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds?
Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus!
56. What makes more noise than a dinosaur?
Two dinosaurs!
57. What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing?
Its shadow!
58. What came after the dinosaur?
Its tail!
59. Who made sure the dinosaurs obeyed the law?
Tricera-cops!
60. How do you know if there is a dinosaur in your refrigerator?
The door won't shut!
61. What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have?
Baby dinosaurs!
62. How does a T-rex cut wood?
With a dinosaw!
63. What is the best thing to do if you see a T-rex?
Pray he doesn't see you!
64. What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo?
A Tricera-hops!
65. Which dinosaurs are the worst drivers?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
66. Why did the T-rex eat raw meat?
Because their little arms couldn't work the oven!
67. Do you know how long dinosaurs lived?
The same as short ones!
68. What was the scariest prehistoric animal?
The Terror-dactyl!
69. Why are dinosaurs no longer around?
Because their eggs stink.
70. What does a Triceratops sit on?
Its tricerabottom!
71. What sport is a Brontosaurus good at?
Squash!
72. What do you call a Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots?
Tyrannosaurus Tex!
73. What do you call a Triceratops with carrots in its ears?
Anything you like, it can't hear you!
74. What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur?
Jurassic pork!
75. What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed?
Find somewhere else to sleep!
76. Why did the T-rex cross the road?
To eat the chicken on the other side!
77. Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens hadn't evolved yet!
78. What do you call a dinosaur who wears glasses?
A Doyouthinkysaraus!
79. Why did the dinosaur take a bath?
To become ex-stinked!
80. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?
Try-try-try-ceratops!
81. Why does a Brontosaurus have a long neck?
Because its feet smell.
82. What do you get when a dinosaur walks through a strawberry patch?
Strawberry jam!
83. What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot?
Sir!
84. Which dinosaur knew the most words?
The thesaurus!
85. What did prehistoric animals get instead of blisters?
Dino sores!
86. What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels?
A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
87. What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus?
The strawberry is red!
88. What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs!
89. Where do cows go for entertainment?
To the moo-vies!
90. What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk!
91. What do cows use in WhatsApp messages?
Emooojis!
92. What do you call it when one cow spies on another?
A steak-out!
93. What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cow?
Roost beef!
94. What do you call a cow you can’t see?
Camooflaged!
95. Knock, knock! Who's there? The interrupting cow. The interrupting…
[INTERRUPT THEM] MOOOO!!!
96. Knock, knock! Who's there? Cowsgo. Cowsgo who?
No, cows go moo!
97. What do you get if you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head!
98. What do you get from nervous cows?
Milkshakes!
99. Where do cows go on Saturday night?
To the moovies!
100. Why do cows lie down in groups when it’s cold?
To keep each udder warm!
101. Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work!
102. Why do cows tell jokes?
To amoo-se themselves!
103. How does a farmer count his animals?
With a cowculator!
104. What's Peter Pan's favourite animal?
A tinkerbull!
105. What's a cow's favourite sci-fi TV programme?
Dr. Moo!
106. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a sparrow?
Broken telephone wires!
107. What bird is always out of breath?
A puffin!
108. What kind of bird sticks to clothes?
A vel-crow!
109. What did the duck say to the waiter?
Put it on my bill!
110. What do you call a duck who's always telling jokes?
A wisequacker!
111. What's the most musical part of a turkey?
The drumstick!
112. What do you get if you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie!
113. How do chickens leave the building?
They use the eggs-it!
114. Why do ducks make good detectives?
They always quack the case!
115. How do chickens communicate?
With fowl language!
116. How do hens dance?
Chick to chick!
127. Who's the smartest pig in the world?
Ein-swine!
128. Why should you never share a bed with a pig?
They hog all the covers!
129. What do you call an angry pig?
Disgruntled!
130. What do you call a pig who steals stuff?
A hamburglar!
131. What did one pig say to the other on Valentine's Day?
Don't go bacon my heart!
132. What do pigs put on cuts?
Oinkment!
133. What was the pig doing in the kitchen?
Bacon!
134. What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
135. How do pigs send secret messages?
With invisible oink!
136. How do pigs get to hospital?
By hambulance!
137. What did one pig say to the other pig?
You take me for grunted!
138. What do you call a pig who can't mind its own business?
A nosey porker!
139. What is the best way to get in touch with a fish?
Drop it a line!
140. Why don’t fish play tennis?
They’re scared of the net!
141. What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships!
142. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired!
143. What is a Great White shark's favourite kind of sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish!
144. What did the shark say after eating a clown fish?
This tastes a little funny!
145. Where do sharks go on vacation?
Finland!
146. What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder with cheese!
147. What happened when the shark got famous?
He became a starfish!
148. How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you!
149. Why do sharks live in salt water?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
150. What’s the most famous fish?
A star-fish!
151. What kind of fish performs operations?
A sturgeon!
152. What do fish use to help them hear?
A herring aid!
153. Why do fish live in salt water?
Pepper makes them sneeze!
154. Which part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales!
155. Where do fish sleep?
On the sea bed!
156. What do you call fish with no eyes?
A fsh!
157. There were two goldfish in a tank. What did one say to the other?
How do you drive this thing?
158. How do dolphins make decisions?
They flipper coin!
159. What’s the most musical part of a fish?
The scales!
160. What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can't tuna fish!
161. Which musical instruments can catch fish?
Castanets!
162. What did the shark say when he was accused of hitting his brother?
Not gill-ty!
163. What's a sharks favourite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption!
164. What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off!
165. What did the Mum shark say to the kid shark?
Watch that sharkasm, young man!
166. What do sharks do when they have a big choice to make?
Chews wisely!
167. What did the shark say to the other shark?
There's some-fin special about you!
168. Who delivers Christmas presents to baby sharks?
Santa Jaws!
