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20 Newcastle Jokes that are Purely Belter!

Here are some hilarious jokes about the home of Ant and Dec and the most Northern Premier League team in England. Sorry, Sunderland!

Beano Jokes Team
Last Updated:  February 5th 2024

Newcastle is the home of one of the greatest teams in English football and the birthplace of a famous high street bakery. It's the city that has given us Ant AND Dec, and the windscreen wiper! But it doesn't mean we can't tell some jokes about the city, its rivalry with Sunderland and the football team, can it? Why aye, man! Gan canny!

I used 'Newcastle_Defence' as my email password...

The computer said it was too weak!

A cat looking at a computer

What does a Geordie do when his team has won the Champions League?

Turns off the games console!

A gamer grandad

What's the difference between a supermarket loyalty card and Newcastle United?

A supermarket loyalty card earns points!

What's dusty and echoes?

Newcastle's trophy cabinet!

A football commentator

What is the difference between Newcastle and a teabag?

A teabag stays in the cup far longer!

I saw a Newcastle ticket nailed to a tree...

I thought, 'Great! A free nail!'

Funny jokes

What's the difference between a Newcastle United supporter and a baby?

A baby doesn't whinge all the time!

What is the difference between the Newcastle goalie and a taxi driver?

A taxi driver will only let in four at a time!

What does a Geordie eye test say?


A woman surrounded by splats of paint

What do you call a farmer who shaves black and white stripes on their sheep?


What do you get if you cross the WWW with a Geordie loo?

The internetty!

What kind of tablet does a Geordie use?

Why iPad!

What's the difference between a magpie and a Newcastle player?

The bird is known for collecting silverware!

A football on the touchline

What do you call a Geordie scarecrow?


How many Sunderlandcfans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None – they're happy in the shadows!

A Geordie was late for work and took a short cut through the river...

They made it just in Tyne!

Dog joke

A Geordie went to the doctor and complains he smells of coconuts...

"Well, you're bounty"

Did you that NASA train astronauts at Sunderland's football ground?

It has no atmosphere!

A woman went to a hair salon and asked for a perm...

The stylist said "Roses are red..."

What do you call someone wearing a coat in Newcastle during the winter?

A tourist!