Funny Jokes

Get your daily dose of LOLz with these categorically funny jokes from Beano - home of funny jokes!

Funny jokes are our thing! Here's a cracking selection of jokes from Beano's comedy kings and queens. 

Plus we've got tons more jokes where these came from. Check out the Joke Generator on the jokes hub for random jokes and links to jokes on every subject.

Don't miss our silly jokes or 'What do you call...?' jokes.

What do you call a ghost comedian?

Dead funny!

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field!

What does "coincidence" mean?

Funny, I was about to ask you that....

What’s invisible and smells of carrots?

Rabbit farts!

What do squirrels give each other on Valentine's Day?

Forget-me-nuts!

Do you want to hear a joke about pizza?

Never mind, it’s too cheesy!

Where do cows go for entertainment?

To the moo-vies!

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick!

Why don’t oysters like to share?

Because they’re shellfish!

What's the best day to go to the beach?

Sun-day, of course!

Why was the sand wet?

Because the sea weed!

Did you hear the joke about the bed?

I haven't made it yet!

Why shouldn't you tell jokes when ice-skating?

The ice might crack up!

Where do library books like to sleep?

Under their covers!

What is the longest word?

Smiles - there's a mile between the first and last letters!

When's a door not a door?

When it's ajar!

Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl using the bathroom?

Because the 'p' is silent!

When is a green book not green?

When it's read!

What does a Triceratops sit on?

Its tricerabottom!

Which is the best day to cook bacon?

Fryday!

Did you hear about the thief who stole a surfboard?

He escaped on a crime wave!

Why was the bear spoiled?

People always panda'd to him!

What insect is the most untidy?

The litterbug!

Which cheese is made backwards?

Edam!

Why can’t Cinderella play football?

Her coach is a pumpkin!

Why did the weightlifter eat bricks?

To build himself up!

Why did the horse sneeze?

Hay fever!

I don't understand Americanisms...

Like, Americans say eggplants, but everyone else says chickens!

What is the cutest season?

Awwww-tumn!

What is the fastest country in the world?

Rush-a!

Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?

It's pointless!

What’s round and dangerous?

A vicious circle!

What has two wheels and flies?

A wheelie bin!

What is the shortest month?

May - it only has three letters!

Where did the king keep his armies?

Up his sleevies!

What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails!

What month do soldiers hate the most?

March!

What gets wetter the more it dries?

A towel!

What do lawyers wear to court?

Lawsuits!

What flies around waving the stars and stripes?

A USB!

What’s soft and slippery?

A slipper!

What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur?

Cheer him up!

What can you make that can’t be seen?

A noise!

What three letters frighten burglars?

I-C-U!

What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?

A nun rolling down a hill!

What’s has a bottom at the top?

Your legs!

What’s an inkling?

A baby pen!

What has fifty legs but can’t walk?

25 pairs of trousers!

What house weighs the least?

A lighthouse!

What do fishermen catch at night?

Starfish!

Why is it fun to play jokes on Humpty Dumpty?

He always falls for it!

What do trees say when winter is over?

That's a re-leaf!

How do you sink a submarine?

Knock on the door!

What do you call a funny mountain?

Hill-arious!

Why couldn't the bike stand up?

It was two-tyred!

What's the coldest country?

Chile!

Why was the belt arrested?

It held up some trousers!

Why do trees hate tests?

They hate being stumped!

How do you start a cuddly toy race?

Ready, teddy, go!

Why are medieval times called the dark ages?

Because there were a lot of knights!

Why are perfume sellers really smart?

They have lots of common scents!

How do fireflies say goodbye?

Got to glow!

What is the tallest building in the world?

The library! It has the most stories!

What’s the biggest cause of road rage?

Cross roads!

What do heroes put in their drinks?

Just ice!

Which Roman Emperor had hay fever?

Julius Sneezer!

Who invented fire?

Some bright spark!

What washes up on very small beaches?

Microwaves!

Which painting complains a lot?

The Moaner Lisa!

What month do trees hate most?

Sep-TIMBERRR!

What was a more important invention than the first telephone?

The second telephone!

What happens if you spit out a lightbulb?

You're de-lighted!

What happened when nineteen and twenty played a game?

Twenty won!

Why do shoes always come in pairs?

They're sole-mates!

What do clouds wear beneath their trousers?

Thunderwear!

Why was the archaeologist sad?

His career was in ruins!

What’s the hardest thing about learning to ride a bike?

The ground!

What do farmers do when they are tired?

They hit the hay!

How do you make milkshake?

Give it a good scare!

Did you hear about the woman who wore sunglasses?

She took a very dim view on things!

Did you hear about the man who was arrested for being an art thief?

He was framed!

What happened when the TV aerials got married?

They had a great reception!

How do robots drive?

They put their metal to the pedal!

Why don't people get married in igloos?

In case they get cold feet!

Did you hear the joke about the dustbin?

It's a load of rubbish!

How do you start a jelly race?

On your marks, get set!

Why do hairdressers make good taxi drivers?

They know all the short cuts!

What does a headless horseman ride?

A night-mare!

What goes “hick-hock”?

A clock with hiccups!

Why do boats go on dates?

They're looking for row-mance!

What does a clock do when it is hungry?

It goes back four seconds!

Who stole the soap at bathtime?

The robber ducky!

Who gets the sack every time he goes to work?

The postman!

Which country is the slippiest?

Greece!

How do you make a bandstand?

Take away their chairs!

Which trees are the handiest?

Palm trees!

How do pixies eat?

Goblin!

Why was the boy scout dizzy?

He spent the whole day doing good turns!

How do fleas get around?

By itch-hiking!

Why are shoemakers kind?

They have good soles!

Can February March?

No, but April May!

What is the fastest thing on water?

A motor-pike!

How do you make varnish disappear?

Take away the 'r'!

What begins with T, ends with T and has T in it?

A teapot!

How do farmers mend their trousers?

With cabbage patches!

What goes up and down but does not move?

A flight of stairs!

What has four eyes and a mouth?

The Mississippi!

How does a train eat?

Chew-chew!

What’s King Arthur’s favourite game?

Knights and crosses!

What’s always on the ground but doesn’t get dirty?

Your shadow!

Why is your mum's sister good for cuts?

She's antiseptic!

Silly jokes from Beano - link from funny jokes to silly jokes

More stuff