Doctor Jokes

We diagnose a case of the giggles! Probably not ones to try out on your GP, but funny doctor jokes and classic doctor, doctor jokes for your collection...

Doctor, doctor jokes have really stood the test of time! Get on board with these classics and some original Beano gems.

When you're cured, head on over to our teacher jokes or ask Why did...? and get some very funny answers!

I just found out i’m colour blind!

The diagnosis came completely out of the orange!

"Doctor, doctor, I'm hollow inside!”

That’s because you're a pumpkin!

Never lie to an X-ray technician.

They can see right through you!

Who’s the coolest person in the hospital?

The Ultra-Sound Guy!

What do you call a duck that works in a hospital?

A Health Quacktitioner!

A man goes to hospital with a carrot up his nose.

The nurse tells him he's not eating properly!

What’s it called when a Hospital runs out of maternity nurses?

A Mid-Wife Crisis!

I told my doctor that I've hurt my arm in several places...

He told me not to go to those areas!

Doctor, doctor! There's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible.

Well tell them I can't see him right now!

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places...

She told me to stop going to those places!

Doctor, doctor! My sim has caught fire!


Doctor, doctor! My sim keeps gaining weight!

Did you add an expansion pack?

Why did the robot go to the doctor?

She had a virus!

Doctor, Doctor, I stood on a LEGO!

Try to BLOCK out the pain!

What did the balloon say to the doctor?

I feel light headed!

I went to the doctor this morning and said “I've swallowed a golf ball..."

The doctor said, “Yes, I can see it's gone down a fairway!"

Why did the cookie call the doctor?

Because his world was crumbling!

Why did the doctor take a red pen to work?

In case she wanted to draw blood!

Doctor, doctor! Can you give me something for my wind?

Yes, have a kite!

Why did the minion take his banana to the doctor?

It wasn't peeling very well!

Doctor, doctor! I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.

Next time, take off the candles!

Doctor, doctor! How long can a person live without a brain?

I don't know… How old are you?

Doctor, doctor! I’ve got a mince pie stuck up my nose!

What you need is some cream!

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?

Because he had low elf esteem!

Doctor, doctor! I've got broccoli stuck in my ear!

You need to eat more sensibly!

Doctor, doctor! My nose runs and my feet smell!

I fear you might have been built upside down!

Why did the tailor go to the doctor?

He had pins and needles!

Doctor, doctor! Every time I stand up quickly, I see Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy.

How long have you been getting these Disney spells?!

Doctor, doctor! They are saying in the waiting room that you've become a vampire...

Necks please!

Doctor, doctor! I've broken my arm in two places.

Hmm, I'd advise you not to go back to either of those places, then!

Doctor, doctor! They've dropped me from the cricket team - they call me butterfingers…

Don't worry, what you have is not catching!

Why did the computer go to the doctor?

It had a virus!

Doctor, doctor! Every time I drink a cup of hot chocolate I get a stabbing pain in the eye!

Try taking the spoon out first!

Doctor, doctor! Can I have second opinion?

Of course, come back tomorrow!

Doctor, doctor! Everyone thinks I’m a liar!

Oh, I can't believe that!

Doctor, doctor! I keep singing "Green green grass of home" - I think I have Tom Jones syndrome!

It's not unusual...

Doctor, doctor! Will this cream clear up my spots?

I don't make rash promises!

Doctor, doctor! What can you give me for the wind?

Here, try this kite!

Doctor, doctor! I think I’m shrinking!

Calm down and be a little patient!

Why did the axe go to the doctor?

It had a splitting head!

Doctor, doctor! Aaa, eee, I, oh! You...

I think you may have irritable vowel syndrome!

Doctor, doctor! I’m scared of Father Christmas!

You’re suffering from Claus-trophobia!

Why did the witch go to the doctor?

She had a dizzy spell!

Doctor, doctor! I've a strawberry stuck in my ear!

Don't worry, I've some cream for that!

Doctor, doctor! I've swallowed my pocket money!

Take this and we'll see if there's any change in the morning.

Doctor, doctor! I think I’m a shepherd!

I wouldn't lose any sheep over it!

Why did the bread go to the doctor?

It was feeling crummy!

Doctor, doctor! I feel like a sheep!

Oh that's very baaaaaaaad!

Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of wigwams!

The problem is you're too tents!

Doctor, doctor! I think I'm suffering from déjà vu!

Didn't I see you yesterday?

Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pony!

Don't worry, you're just a little hoarse!

Doctor, doctor! I've just swallowed a roll of film!

Come back tomorrow and we'll see what develops!

Doctor, doctor! I'm really worried about my breathing!

We'll soon put a stop to that!

Doctor, doctor! I've a little bit of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.

Oh dear, I'm afraid to say it looks like just the tip of the iceberg!

Doctor, doctor! I've become invisible…

I'm afraid I can't see you now!

Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I’m a burglar!

Have you taken anything for it?!

Doctor, doctor! I keep comparing things with something else!

Don't worry, it's only analogy!

Doctor, doctor! I'm suffering from insomnia!

Try sleeping at the edge of the mattress, you'll soon drop off!

Doctor, doctor! You have to help me out.

Certainly. Which way did you come in?

Doctor, doctor! You said I'd be dead in ten - ten what? Years? Months?

10, 9, 8, 7, 6...

Doctor, doctor! I snore so loud I keep myself awake!

Sleep in another room then!

Doctor, doctor! I feel so ill, is there no hope?

It depends what you are hoping for!

Doctor, doctor! I've got amnesia!

Just go home and try to forget about it!

Doctor, doctor! I feel like a carrot!

Don't get yourself in a stew!

Why did the ladybird go to the doctor?

She had spots!

Doctor, doctor! I’m addicted to brake fluid!

Nonsense man, you can stop anytime!

Doctor, doctor! I keep seeing spinning insects!

Don't worry, there's a bug going around!

Doctor, doctor! I think I'm a bell!

Hmm, take these and if it's not better soon, give me a ring!

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

He wasn't peeling well!

Doctor, doctor! I'm at death's door!

Don't worry, we'll soon pull you through!

Doctor, doctor! An alternative medicine quack told us to put a LOT of goose fat all over grandad's back.

If you do that, he'll go downhill fast!

Doctor, doctor! I think I need glasses!

You certainly do missy, this is the fish and chip shop!

Doctor, doctor! I've gone all crumbly, like a cheese biscuit...

You're crackers!

Doctor, doctor! I've heard that exercise kills germs - is it true?

Probably, but how do you get the germs to exercise?!

Doctor, doctor! I've only got 59 seconds to live!

Just wait a minute, will you?!

Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I'm a caterpillar!

Don't worry, you'll soon change!

Doctor, doctor! What's the quickest way to get to hospital?

Lie in the road outside!

Doctor, doctor! I've got acute appendicitis!

You've got a cute little dimple too!

Doctor, doctor! People keep ignoring me…

Next please!

Doctor, doctor! I couldn't drink my medicine after my bath like you told me. Why not?

Well after I've drunk my bath I haven't got room for the medicine!

Doctor, doctor! I've become a kleptomaniac. Have you taken anything for it?

So far a TV, three sofas and a necklace!

Doctor, doctor! I can't help thinking I'm a goat. How long have you felt like this?

Since I was a kid!

Doctor, doctor! I've got a cricket ball stuck in my bottom. How's that?

Oh, don't you start...

Doctor, doctor! You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking! Do you drink a lot?

Not really - I spill most of it!

Doctor, doctor! I keep seeing spots before my eyes. Have you seen a doctor already?

No, just spots!

Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I'm a dog! Do take a seat.

I can't - Mum says I'm not allowed on the furniture!

Doctor, doctor! What can you give me for wind?

Nothing, but I can lend you a kite!

Doctor, doctor! Help, I feel like a pair of curtains.

Pull yourself together then!

Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!

I'll deal with you later!

Doctor, doctor! I think I’ve lost my memory! When did this happen?

When did what happen?

Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I’m a bridge! Goodness, what's come over you?

Ten cars, a tractor and the number 68 bus!

Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I’m a cat! How long has this been going on?

Since I was a kitten!

Doctor, doctor I've swallowed a fish bone. Are you choking?

No, I really did!

Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I'm a moth. You need a psychiatrist not a doctor!

I know, but I was walking past and I saw your light was on!

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