Dog Jokes

Man's best friend is also the subject of some of the best jokes! Here's our selection of funny dog jokes and one liners.

Lap up these crazy dog jokes from our genius joke masters!

More of a cat person? We've got cat jokes too! Plus tons of animal jokes in the Beano Joke Generator.

Whats round and green and chases sheep?

A melon-collie!

What should I call my new robot puppy?

Dogmatic!

What do you get if you cross a dog with a film studio?

Collie-wood!

What do you give a sausage dog with a fever?

Mustard - it's the best thing for a hot dog!

Why did Scooby Doo leave Mystery Incorporated?

The work was too ruff!

Why is Scooby Doo a bad dancer?

He has two left feet!

Where does a dog go to get another tail?

The re-tail shop!

Why did the dog sit next to the fire?

He wanted to be a hot dog!

What did the dog say when it sat on some sharp stones?

Ruff!

My dog Minton ate two shuttle cocks...

Bad Minton!

What do you call a snowman’s dog?

A slush puppy!

Slinky walks into the saloon with only three of his legs and says to Woody...

"I'm alookin' fer the man what shot my paw"!

What did the dog say when it saw the firework go off?

Nothing, dogs can't talk!

What do you call a dog falling from a great height?

A chihuahu–aaaargh!

Person 1: My dog has no nose! Person 2: But how does he smell?

Terrible!

Did you hear abut the vampire who got a pet dog?

He'd always wanted a bloodhound!

What goes tick-tock woof-woof?

A watchdog!

What's a dog’s favourite kind of pizza?

Pup-eroni!

Did you hear about the dog who ate nothing but garlic?

His bark was worse than his bite!

Why will a dog never win Strictly?

They have two left feet!

Did you hear about the dog who went to see the flea circus?

He stole the show!

What do you get if you cross a dog with a calculator?

A best friend you can really count on!

What do you call dogs who did up ancient artefacts?

Barkaeologists!

Who delivers your dog’s Christmas presents?

Santa Paws!

What did the dog say when it sat on some sandpaper?

Ruff!

How do dogs train their fleas?

From scratch!

Why did the boy take his dog to a watchmaker?

It had ticks!

Why should you be careful when it's raining cats and dogs?

You might step in a poodle!

Why do dogs run in circles?

It's too hard to run in squares!

Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I'm a dog! Do take a seat.

I can't - Mum says I'm not allowed on the furniture!

What kind of dog does magic tricks?

A Labracadabrador!

What kind of dog comes from Asgard and wields a mighty hammer?

A labrathor!

What is Dracula’s favourite dog?

A bloodhound!

What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxis!

What's it called when a cat wins a dog show?

A cat-has-trophy!

A racoon playing a guitar - follow the link from our dog jokes to our animal jokes

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