Animal Jokes

Funny animal jokes from Beano! Whether you’re looking for pet jokes or silly animal jokes, we’ve collected the best animal jokes to keep you and your furry friends entertained.

Good animal jokes are hard to come by, but we've collected our favourites here to get you howling, hooting and roaring with laughter. EPIC! From the four-legged to the in-flight, the beaked to the barnacled, from dog jokes to elephant jokes, horse jokes to bird jokes, we've got them all!

Two fish are sitting in a tank...

One looks at the other and says, "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?!"

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxis!

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a porcupine?

An animal that can sew its own sweaters!

Why should you not write a book on penguins?

Because writing a book on paper is much easier!

Why do polar bears and penguins not get on?

Because they are polar opposites!

Why do bee keepers have such beautiful eyes?

Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder!

Why is a bear big, brown and hairy?

Because if it was small, smooth and white... it would be an egg!

What's Swiper's favourite dance?

The fox trot!

What car does a snake drive?

An ana-Honda!

What kind of vehicle does a mouse drive?

A mini van!

What mouse was a Roman Emperor?

Julius Cheeser!

What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?

Mouse code!

Why was the mouse afraid of swimming?

Catfish!

What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer?

Mice cubes!

What kind of cheese do mice like?

Mouserella!

What is small, furry, and brilliant at sword fights?

A mouseketeer!

Why do mice have long tails?

Well, they'd look silly with long hair!

Why do mice need oiling?

Because they squeak!

What's a mouse's least favourite song?

What's up Pussycat!

Why did the mouse stay inside?

Because it was raining cats and dogs!

What's a cow's favourite sci-fi TV programme?

Dr. Moo!

What's a horses favourite TV drama?

Neighbours!

What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account?

Prime mates!

What do you give a sausage dog with a fever?

Mustard - it's the best thing for a hot dog!

What happened to the frog who parked on the double yellow lines?

Its car got toad!

Who's the smartest pig in the world?

Ein-swine!

Why should you never share a bed with a pig?

They hog all the covers!

What do you call an angry pig?

Disgruntled!

What are bears without bees?

Ears!

What did the shark say after eating a clown fish?

This tastes a little funny!

What did the shark say when he was accused of hitting his brother?

Not gill-ty!

What's a sharks favourite movie?

Shaw-shark Redemption!

What is a Great White shark's favourite kind of sandwich?

Peanut butter and jellyfish!

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?

An animal that talks your head off!

What did the Mum shark say to the kid shark?

Watch that sharkasm, young man!

What do sharks do when they have a big choice to make?

Chews wisely!

What did the shark say to the other shark?

There's some-fin special about you!

How does a shark greet a fish?

Pleased to eat you!

Where do sharks go on vacation?

Finland!

What do sharks order at McDonalds?

A quarter flounder with cheese!

What happened when the shark got famous?

He became a starfish!

Why do sharks live in salt water?

Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

What did prehistoric animals get instead of blisters?

Dino sores!

What do you call a bear without any teeth?

A gummy bear!

Which pet is the loudest?

A trumpet!

What's Peter Pan's favourite animal?

A tinkerbull!

What did Hamm build his house out of?

Mahogany!

Why did Woody give Bullseye some cough syrup?

Because he was horse!

What type of magazines do cows read?

Cattlelogs!

What do you call an elephant that can't stop cleaning?

Cinderelephant!

Why couldn't Cinderella use horses to pull the Pumpkin Coach?

Because they were too busy playing stable tennis!

What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?

They only get to celebrate them in leap years!

What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?

Hoppy birthday!

Where do sheep get their hair cut?

At the baa-baa shop!

Where do lions sell their unwanted stuff?

At a jungle sale!

How do you stop a skunk from smelling?

Hold it's nose!

Why did Mozart hate chickens?

All they ever say is "Bach-Bach-Bach"!

You never see elephants hiding in trees...

They must be really good at it!

They told me to stop doing flamingo impressions...

I had to put my foot down!

What's the best kind of cheese to use to disguise a small horse?

Mascarpone!

What did the grape say when the sloth stood on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

What do sloths like to read?

Snooze-papers!

What do you call a cat who works for Santa?

Santa Claws!

Why did the lobster giggle?

Because the sea weed!

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

Because they have such big fingers!

Which dinosaur knew the most words?

The thesaurus!

What do you call a pig who steals stuff?

A hamburglar!

What do you call a wasp?

A wanna-bee!

Why don't penguins fly?

Because they're not tall enough to be pilots!

How do Mexican sheep say Merry Christmas?

Fleece Navidad!

What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?

Cross mouse cards!

Who delivers Christmas presents to baby sharks?

Santa Jaws!

Did you hear abut the vampire who got a pet dog?

He'd always wanted a bloodhound!

What animal is best at baseball?

A bat!

What did one pig say to the other on Valentine's Day?

Don't go bacon my heart!

Where do cows go for entertainment?

To the moo-vies!

How many skunks does it take to make a stink?

A phew!

What goes tick-tock woof-woof?

A watchdog!

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk!

What sea creature can add up?

An octo-plus!

What do ghosts put on their turkey?

Grave-y!

What's a dog’s favourite kind of pizza?

Pup-eroni!

What do you get if you cross Darth Vader with a toad?

Star Warts!

Did you hear about the dog who ate nothing but garlic?

His bark was worse than his bite!

Doctor, doctor! I feel like a sheep!

Oh that's very baaaaaaaad!

Where do you put a criminal sheep?

Behind baas!

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff!

What reindeer has the worst manners?

Rude-olph!

Why will a dog never win Strictly?

They have two left feet!

How do rabbits travel?

By hare-oplane!

Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pony!

Don't worry, you're just a little hoarse!

How do pigs get to hospital?

By hambulance!

How do pigs send secret messages?

With invisible oink!

What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer!

What was the pig doing in the kitchen?

Bacon!

What do pigs put on cuts?

Oinkment!

What is a bear’s favourite drink?

Coca-Koala!

What’s an alligator’s favourite card game?

Snap!

Why are octopuses good in a war?

They're well armed!

Why are leopards bad at hide and seek?

Because they're always spotted!

What did one penguin say to the other?

Nothing, he gave him the cold shoulder!

What's black and white, black and white, black and white?

A penguin rolling down a hill!

What’s a mouse’s favourite game?

Hide and squeak!

What first aid do mice learn?

Mouse to mouse resuscitation!

What do you call dogs who did up ancient artefacts?

Barkaeologists!

Who delivers your dog’s Christmas presents?

Santa Paws!

Why did the ladybird go to the doctor?

She had spots!

What kind of horse is good at swimming?

A seahorse!

When does a horse talk?

Whinny wants to!

What do you call fish with no eyes?

A fsh!

Where do fish sleep?

On the sea bed!

What do you call an elephant in a phone box?

Stuck!

What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?

Quacks in the pavement!

When does a duck get up?

At the quack of dawn!

On what side does a duck have the most feathers?

The outside!

Why was the duck arrested?

It was suspected of fowl play!

What do you call a donkey with three legs?

A wonkey!

Why does a Brontosaurus have a long neck?

Because its feet smell.

How do dogs train their fleas?

From scratch!

What’s the most musical part of a fish?

The scales!

How do hens dance?

Chick to chick!

Why did the dinosaur take a bath?

To become ex-stinked!

What do you call a dinosaur who wears glasses?

A Doyouthinkysaraus!

What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ?

Find somewhere else to sleep!

What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur?

Jurassic pork!

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No-eye deer!

What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?

You can't tuna fish!

How do chickens communicate?

With fowl language!

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cow?

Roost beef!

Why do ducks make good detectives?

They always quack the case!

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

Because chickens hadn't evolved yet!

Why did the T-rex cross the road?

To eat the chicken on the other side!

What do you call a Triceratops with carrots in its ears?

Anything you like, it can't hear you!

How do chickens leave the building?

They use the eggs-it!

Why should you be careful when it's raining cats and dogs?

You might step in a poodle!

What do you do if you find a bear in your toilet?

Let it finish!

Doctor, doctor! I can't help thinking I'm a goat. How long have you felt like this?

Since I was a kid!

Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I'm a dog! Do take a seat.

I can't - Mum says I'm not allowed on the furniture!

What kind of dog does magic tricks?

A Labracadabrador!

Who was the horse's favourite footballer?

NEIGH-mar!

Who was the sheep's favourite footballer?

Paul PogBAAA!

What do you call a penguin in the desert?

Lost!

What do you get if you sit under a cow?

A pat on the head!

What do you get if you cross a snake with a builder?

A boa constructor!

What's the most musical part of a turkey?

The drumstick!

What sport is a Brontosaurus good at?

Squash!

What does a Triceratops sit on?

Its tricerabottom!

What did the beaver say to the tree?

Nice gnawing you!

Why was the bear spoiled?

People always panda'd to him!

What happened when the frog's car broke down?

It got toad away!

What is the wettest animal?

A rain-deer!

Who's the silliest animal in the jungle?

The polar bear!

Where do you find a monster snail?

At the end of a monster's finger!

What do you call a pig who can't mind its own business?

A nosey porker!

Why do owls get invited to parties?

Because they're a hoot!

What did one pig say to the other pig?

You take me for grunted!

What is the best way to get in touch with a fish?

Drop it a line!

Why are dinosaurs no longer around?

Because their eggs stink.

How does a mouse feel after a bath?

Squeaky clean!

What do mice hate doing most?

Mousework!

Which animal do you want to be in winter?

A little otter!

What kind of dog comes from Asgard and wields a mighty hammer?

A labrathor!

What’s a Canadian’s favourite dessert?

Chocolate moose!

What animal drives really badly?

A road hog!

When is it bad luck to see a black cat?

When you're a mouse!

What was the scariest prehistoric animal?

The Terror-dactyl!

What kind of key opens a banana?

A monkey!

Why did the horse sneeze?

Hay fever!

What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and ships!

Why don’t fish play tennis?

They’re scared of the net!

What do elephants wear to go swimming?

Trunks!

How many elephants can you put into an empty stadium?

One - after that it isn't empty!

Why did the elephant quit the circus?

He was being paid peanuts!

What do you call a duck who's always telling jokes?

A wisequacker!

What did the duck say to the waiter?

Put it on my bill!

Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I’m a cat! How long has this been going on?

Since I was a kitten!

Which dinosaurs are the worst drivers?

Tyrannosaurus wrecks!

How do horses say hello?

Hay!

Do you know how long dinosaurs lived?

The same as short ones!

What is Dracula’s favourite dog?

A bloodhound!

Why did the T-rex eat raw meat?

Because its itty-bitty arms couldn't work the oven!

What do cows read in the morning?

The moospaper!

Where do Velociraptors spend their pocket money?

At a dino-store!

Where do tough chickens come from?

Hard-boiled eggs!

Why did the Easter egg hide?

It was a little chicken!

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide!

What do you get if you cross a cheetah with a burger?

Fast food!

What colour do cats like?

Purr-ple!

Why do bears have fur coats?

Because they look silly wearing kagoules!

What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxis!

Why did the bird go to the hospital?

To get tweetment!

Why did the bird fly into the library?

Because he was looking for bookworms!

What do you call two birds in love?

Tweethearts!

What do you call a sleeping T-rex?

A dino-snore!

What do you call a pig with a black belt in karate?

A pork chop!

What's it called when a cat wins a dog show?

A cat-has-trophy!

What do you call an exploding monkey?

A baboom!

What do you call a dog falling from a great height?

A chihuahu–aaaargh!

Person 1: My dog has no nose! Person 2: But how does he smell?

Terrible!

What is a skunk’s favourite Christmas carol?

Jingle Smells!

What do you get from nervous cows?

Milkshakes!

What do you give a sick kangaroo?

A hoperation!

What’s the most famous fish?

A star-fish!

What do cows use in text messages?

Emooojis!

Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the moovies!

Where do walruses go to see movies?

The dive-in!

What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels?

A Stegosaurus on roller skates!

What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo?

A Tricera-hops!

What is the best thing to do if you see a T-rex?

Pray he doesn't see you!

What’s black, white and noisy?

A zebra playing the drums!

Did you hear about the sad horse?

He told a tale of whoa!

What do frogs love about Christmas?

Mistle-toad

What goes dot-dash-ribbit?

A Morse toad!

What do you call a girl with a toad on her head?

Lily!

What did the squirrel say to his girlfriend?

I'm nuts about you!

What do hedgehogs eat?

Prickled onions!

What goes ‘hith, hith’?

A snake that's bitten its tongue!

What snakes do you find on cars?

Windscreen vipers!

How do you make a baby snake cry?

Take away its rattle!

What is a snake’s favourite subject?

Hisstory!

How do snails fight?

They slug it out!

What is a snail?

A slug with a crash helmet!

What do snails do on the road?

About a mile a day!

How do rabbits comb their hair?

With a harebrush!

Did you hear about the dog who went to see the flea circus?

He stole the show!

How can you tell if a pony has a sore throat?

He's a little hoarse!

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?

Hornaments!

Why can’t you talk to a goat?

It always butts in!

What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus?

The strawberry is red!

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot!

What has fifty legs but can’t walk?

Half a centipede!

Where do you take sick ponies?

To the horse-pital!

What do wolves say when they meet?

Howl do you do?

What do you get if you cross a dog with a calculator?

A best friend you can really count on!

What do cats have minty breath?

They use mousewash!

What do you call a tiger at the North Pole?

Lost!

What do cats have for breakfast?

Mice Krispies!

Did you hear about the hungry lion?

He swallowed his pride!

Why did the lion spit out the clown?

He tasted funny!

Where do kittens go on school trips?

The mewseum!

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course – houses can’t jump!

Which reptile tells jokes?

A stand-up chameleon!

What is a prickly pear?

Two hedgehogs!

What do you get if you cross a hedgehog with a giraffe?

A really long toothbrush!

How do hedgehogs play leapfrog?

Very, very carefully!

What's a frog's favourite sweet?

A lollihop!

What's green and loud?

A froghorn!

What weighs two tons and jumps like a frog?

A hoppypotamus!

What is a frog’s favourite drink?

Croaka-cola!

Where do frogs hang their coats?

In the croakroom!

What game do horses like best?

Stable tennis!

Which part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales!

Why do fish live in salt water?

Pepper makes them sneeze!

What do fish use to help them hear?

A herring aid!

What kind of fish performs operations?

A sturgeon!

What’s the difference between an elephant and a biscuit?

You can't dip an elephant in your tea!

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a sparrow?

Broken telephone wires!

How do you stop an elephant charging?

Take away its credit card!

What’s blue and has big ears?

An elephant at the North Pole!

Why are elephants wrinkled?

Have you tried ironing one?

Why do cows lie down in groups when it’s cold?

To keep each udder warm!

What is a horse’s favourite TV show?

Neigh-bours!

How do dolphins make decisions?

They flipper coin!

What's the best way to raise a baby dinosaur?

With a crane!

What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes?

Out of the way as quickly as you can!

What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot?

Sir!

When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet?

When it's not raining!

What did the nurse say to the sick bat?

Hang in there!

What do you ask a sad horse?

Why the long face?

What do you find on a dinosaur's floor?

Rep-tiles!

How many dinosaurs can you fit in an empty box ?

One - after that, the box isn't empty!

What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo?

A Bronco-saurus!

What do you get when a dinosaur walks through a strawberry patch?

Strawberry jam!

There were two goldfish in a tank. What did one say to the other?

How do you drive this thing?

What's green and hangs from trees?

Dinosaur snot.

What came after the dinosaur?

Its tail!

What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing?

Its shadow!

What makes more noise than a dinosaur?

Two dinosaurs!

Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds?

Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus!

What does a dinosaur call a porcupine?

A toothbrush!

What is found in the middle of dinosaurs ?

The letter "s"!

What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?

Try-try-try-ceratops!

What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have?

Baby dinosaurs!

How do you know if there is a dinosaur in your refrigerator?

The door won't shut!

Who made sure the dinosaurs obeyed the law?

Tricera-cops!

Why was the crab arrested?

For pinching stuff!

What do you call it when one cow spies on another?

A steak-out!

What do you call a cow who plays guitar?

A moosician!

What do you call a cow you can’t see?

Camooflaged!

How does a T-rex cut wood?

With a dinosaw!

Why did the boy take his dog to a watchmaker?

It had ticks!

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work!

What do you call a Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ?

Tyrannosaurus Tex!

What do you get if you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A walkie-talkie!

Which musical instruments can catch fish?

Castanets!

What kind of bird sticks to clothes?

A vel-crow!

What bird is always out of breath?

A puffin!

Why do dogs run in circles?

It's too hard to run in squares!

What did one bat say to another?

"I love hanging around with you!"

Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red?

So she could hide in the strawberry patch!

How does a farmer count his animals?

With a cowculator!

Why do cows tell jokes?

To amoo-se themselves!

Knock, knock! Who's there? The interrupting cow. The interrupting…

[INTERUPT THEM] MOOOO!!!

Knock, knock! Who's there? Cowsgo. Cowsgo who?

No, cows go moo!

Why do birds fly south for the winter?

It's quicker than walking!

What do you call two spiders who just got married?

Newly-webs!

What do you call a shark with a tie?

So-fish-ticated!

Where do hamsters go on holiday?

Hamsterdam!

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