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Nuts Jokes!

Prepare yourself for the nuttiest jokes ever!

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Last Updated:  July 8th 2021
First Published:  September 1st 2020

Nature experts have revealed that these funny nut jokes are a firm favourite of squirrels, while monkeys prefer our peanut jokes

After you've recovered reading this batch of 100% blam-tastic funnies, why not chew over our food jokes and check out our extensive range of jokes for every occasion?

What's the most common name for girl peanuts?

A peanut shell

Michelle!

Did you hear the joke about the peanut, pistachio and cashew?

A man reacting to a joke

It was nut funny!

Which nut has won the World Cup the most?

Brazil nuts

A Brazil nut!

What did the nut chasing another nut say?

A cashew chasing another cashew

I'm going to cashew!

Why the motorist spread peanut butter on the road?

A blob of peanut butter

So they'd have something to go with the traffic jam!

Why did the squirrel want a pay rise?

A squirrel

They were paid peanuts!

What do you call a nut with a hairy lip?

A pistachio with a moustache

A moustachio!

What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?

Walnut

A walnut!

Which nut loves chess?

A chestnut and a chess board

A chess-nut!

What do chipmunks like to watch on TV?

A squirrel watching tv]

Anything on Nut-flix!

What smells like nuts but is invisible?

A squirrel, beans and a nauseous emoji

A squirrel's fart!

What's a peanut's favourite Shakepeare line?

A peanut and William Shakespeare

To be or nut to be!

What eats nuts and bolts?

A squirrel who's late for school!

What nuts can you wear on your feet?

Two cashews

A pair of cashews!

What's the best way to catch an elephant?

Peanut hiding in the lawn

Hide in the grass and pretend to be a peanut!

What noise did the nut make when it sneezed?

A sneezing cashew

CAAAA-SHEW!

Where's the best place to find out facts about nuts?

A hazelnut

The inter-nut!

What kind of spread does the Queen like the most?

Peanut butler

Peanut butler

What do you call a nut in space?

A pecan and astronaut in space

An astro-nut!

What's the most valuable kind of nut?

A cashew and a pile of money

A cash-ew!

Food jokes