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20 Scotland Jokes That Are Pure Dead Brilliant

These funny Scotland puns are Scot bad! Check out these hilarious jokes all about all things Scotland and see which one's your favourite!

Beano Jokes Team
Last Updated:  September 3rd 2023

These funny Scotland jokes are coo-larious! And if you liked these, how about some out of this world space jokes? Or maybe you're in the mood for these prime Prime Minister jokes? You might even like these un-rubbish bin jokes! And of course, there are hundreds more funny jokes on our main jokes hub!

What sort of bread do they eat in Scotland?

Gaelic bread!

Which food do Scottish people boast about?


What do you call a Scottish man who is standing in his doorway?


What do Scottish witches eat?


What's the difference between Walt Disney and Bing Crosby?

Bing sings, Walt Disney!

Why can't Mickey Mouse fly his plane to Scotland?


What fights the English and smells?


What do you call a Scottish man who's lost his dog?


What does a Scottish man do when he sees a moose?

Give it some cheese!

What does the Loch Ness Monster eat?

Fish and ships!

What time does Andy Murray go to bed?


Where should you go if you can't stop reciting Scottish poetry?

The Burns Unit!

What happens when you disrespect a man wearing a skirt?

You get kilt!

What cryptid never tidies its room?

The Loch Mess Monster!

How do you get in touch with the Loch Ness Monster?

Drop her a line!

Why do bagpipers walk while they play?

To get away from the noise!

What's the coldest place in Scotland?


Why is the thistle the national flower of Scotland?

Because they thought 'Thistle do'!

What does the Loch Ness Monster eat?

Scotch eggs!

What do you call a painting by the Loch Ness Monster?

A monsterpiece!