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Soccer Jokes

Pull up your socks, tuck in your shin pads and get ready to kick off a whole season’s worth of football jokes which are top of the league!

Beano Jokes Team
Last Updated:  October 7th 2022

And if the full time whistles sounded and you’ve still got some energy left for even more sports jokes then check out our 23 Cricket Jokes To Crease You Up! and try our 14 Funny Tennis Jokes Serving Up LOLz or even dip into our 20 Swimming Jokes Which Will Make a Splash. We really are the champions of sports jokes!

Why did the manager bring a pencil and paper to the match?

They were hoping for a draw!

@johnterry.26 | Instagram

What’s the difference between The Invisible Man and Beanotown Utd?

You’ve got more chance of seeing The Invisible Man in the FA Cup Finals!

Who is a farmer’s favourite football player?

Gareth Bale

A farmer and a cow
A farmer and a cow

Which position does a ghost always play?


A pumpkin and ghost at Manchester United's ground

Who’s the best soccer player on the farm?


What do Lionel Messi and a magician have in common?

Awesome hat-tricks!

What did the ref say to the chicken pitch-invader?


Why does Jordan Henderson bring rope onto the pitch?

He’s the England skipper?

What part of a soccer pitch smells the freshest?

The scenter spot!

What is red and white and red and white and red and white and red and white?

A Liverpool fan rolling down a hill!

Football Jokes

What did the manager do when the pitch became flooded?

He sent on his subs!

What boat holds exactly 20 football teams?

The premiership!

Can you dribble around Van Dijk?

It’s virgilly impossible!

What’s the difference between Beanotown Utd and a tea bag?

The tea bag stays in the cup longer!

Why was the goalkeeper bad with money?

They couldn’t save a penny!

A man with a silly amount of cash

How do you make a soccer ball shaped bread roll?

With Ronaldough!

Why did the defender cry on their birthday?

They got a red card!

What do you call someone who stands in the goal and stops the ball?


Did you hear about the dog that played for a Sunday League team?

They were always fouling in the park!

Two dogs in a pile of leaves

What’s Tyrone Mings’ favourite milkshake flavour?

Aston Vanilla!