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290 Word Jokes That Are So Punny!

What's in a word? Loads of laughs! So ditch the dictionary and wrap your chops round our lexicon of lolz!

These jokes are really rewording! Get ready for some punny word play with these hilarious word jokes! If you've got time for more laughs, check out our clock jokes! We've also got lol-worthy library jokes, and if you liked those, stick your nose in these great book jokes ! Check out more hilarious jokes on our jokes hub!

Why did the taxi driver go to the doctors?

He was always dealing with congestion!

Why couldn't the platypus pay the taxi driver?

He only had a one dollar bill!

What's got four wheels and pays HMRC?

A taxi!

What unit of measurement do taxi drivers use?

Meters!

I was 20 mins late for my interview to be a taxi driver...

I got hired on the spot!

What's a taxi driver's favourite wine?

A cab-ernet!

Where do taxi drivers go for skin problems?

The taxi-dermist!

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?

When its hailing taxis!

Why did the taxi driver lose his job?

He kept driving his customers away!

What do you call a London taxi full of teenagers?

An acne carriage!

I love being a taxi driver

I can really see myself going places!

Why didn't the taxi driver pick up the bags of crisps?

They were walkers!

What did the taxi driver say to the monster who got in his cab?

'werewolf'?

Why are taxi drivers annoying on roundabouts?

Because they're driving you round the bend!

Why did the fridge call a taxi?

It was tired of running!

I got charged £20 by a taxi driver to go to the laundrette...

I've been taken to the cleaners!

Why did the taxi driver quit?

He was sick of people talking behind his back!

What's a taxi driver's favourite vegetable?

A cab-bage!

Why was the taxi driver so bad at his job?

He always went the extra mile!

What do you call it when two taxi drivers fall in love?

A fare-y tale come true!

What did the ghost say when he coughed up fog?

“Don’t worry guys, it’s just miasma!”

I tried playing rounders in the fog today…

It was a big hit-and-mist!

Most people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog…

It’s a common mist-conception!

My glasses may be fogged up, but I’m not worried…

I’m opti-mist-ic!

A man walked into my shop and bought all the fog machines, so I called the police…

I think he belongs to an extreme-mist organisation!

What did one cloud of fog say to the other?

I don’t know – it’s a mist-ery!

What do you call a grumpy fog?

A pessi-mist!

 It was so foggy at my granddad’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot…

It was a grave mist-ake!

Why was the fog always late?

Because it mist the bus!

It was so foggy outside today…

I shot an arrow in the air and it stuck!

I thought I saw some fog yesterday…

I guess my memory’s a little cloudy!

What did the fog say to the meadow?

“I mist you!”

Where does fog go to the bathroom?

Wherever it wants!

How do you wrap up fog?

With a rain bow!

Why did the fog make the sea captain angry?

He mist the boat!

Why was the old oak always shrouded in fog?

No one knows – it’s a mist tree!

I was offered a job studying fog but I turned it down…

Looking back I think it was a mist opportunity!

Why was the fog kicked off the football team?

It mist a field goal!

What happens when the fog lifts over the main university in Los Angeles?

UCLA!

I tried to grab fog…

But I mist!

I was so hungry this morning I almost ate a watch….

I didn't because it's time consuming. Also, I'd have to go back for seconds!

I named my dog Seiko

He's a watch dog!

6:30 is the best time on a clock

Hands down!

I've just been fired from the watch making factory

After all those extra hours I put in!

If you ever tell jokes about watches

Make sure to take your time!

So few people take apart their watches and sell the small hand to other people

The second-hand second hand market is minute!

Finally a documentary full of watches, hourglasses, and sundials

It's about time!

My friend was wearing 3 watches

I guess he had a lot of time on his hands!

I just sold my collection of Swiss watches to a friend in Mexico City

Adios Omegas!

What do you call a weatherman who loves steak and watches?

A meaty horologist!

Bacon jokes

What are the pros and cons of wearing two watches?

On one hand, you have a watch. But on the other hand, you have a watch!

What does a watch do when it's hungry?

It goes back 4 seconds!

I put all my watches together to make a belt

It was a waist of time!

I forgot my first marathon joke…

I need something to jog my memory!

Did you hear about the man who finished the marathon in under an hour?

He was Russian!

Why did the programmer drop out of the marathon?

She had a runtime error!

Why should you eat McDonald’s before a marathon?

You’ve gotta have some fast food!

How did the lawyer with the leg injury still manage to win the marathon?

He had the power of a torn knee!

Did you hear about the marathon runner who was afraid of speed bumps on the road?

He’s slowly getting over it!

Did you hear about the Spanish man who ran the marathon?

He Juan!

What happened to the woman who forgot her water bottle at the marathon?

She finished 3st!

Why are snowmen so bad at marathons?

They just can’t warm up!

I don’t finish marathons because I’m lucky…

I finish because I’m driven!

Why should you never mess with a marathoner?

They run the streets!

I think my nose is training for a marathon…

It’s been running all morning!

What do you call it when a stand-up comedian has a lot of bits about marathons in his set?

A running joke!

Did you hear about the marathon runner who did the race barefoot?

She suffered the agony of de-feet!

How do you know if someone runs marathons?

Don’t worry, they’ll tell you!

Where does the Helsinki Marathon end?

At the Finnish line!

Why was the DJ disqualified from the marathon?

He kept changing tracks!

What’s the best time to run a marathon?

Lent, because then you fast!

Why did the marathon runner end up in jail?

For resisting a rest!

Training for a marathon is very hard work…

But it’s worth it in the long run!

I'd love a job cleaning mirrors...

It's something I can really see myself doing!

I work at a calendar factory..

My days are numbered!

I've got a job taking care of a graveyard...

I wanted to work somewhere with a lot of people under me!

Why are archaeologists always upset?

Their careers are in ruins!

I quit my job at the can crushing company...

It was soda pressing!

I auditions to play Hamlet...

It was not to be

I teach English literature in a prison...

It has it prose and cons!

I got fired from my job as Santa

I was given the heave ho ho ho!

I've got a job at Kings Cross...

It involves a lot of training!

I got fired from my job in the cemetery...

I made a grave mistake!

Being a waiter isn't the most glamourous job...

But hey, it puts food on the table!

My job is drilling holes and then putting bolts in them

At first its boring, but then its riveting!

I had to quit my job as a strong man

I handed in my too-weak notice!

How do you get a job with the band Queen?

Prove you can perform Under Pressure!

I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory...

They said I wasn't putting in enough shifts!

I quit my job as a scuba diver...

Deep down, I realised it wasn't for me

I got fired from my job as a road worker for stealing

When I got home, all the signs were there!

I quit my job at the orange juice factory...

I couldn't concentrate!

I just quit my job in the helium factory...

I will not be spoken to like that!

I quit my job as a stage designer...

I left without making a scene!

Went to go see Black Panther today

They asked wakanda snacks I wanted!

Why are panthers stealthier than their jaguar and leopards?

Because they're never spotted!

A panther escaped from its enclosure at the zoo yesterday

Almost made me puma pants!

Why don’t panthers like to play with jaguars?

In case they’re cheetahs!

What’s the biggest thing between panthers and leopards?

The Pacific ocean!

What's a panther running a copying machine called?

A copycat!

Why did the panther eat the tightrope walker?

It wanted a balanced diet!

The King of the Jungle said he was a panther

But I think he's lion!

Why is panther fur smooth and black?

Because they don’t want to be spotted!

Did you hear about the incident at the panther exhibit?

It was a big cat-astrophe!

What big cat should you lend money to?

Panthers or tigers are fine - just not a cheetah!

What’s the difference between a panther and a comma?

A panther has claws at the end of paws and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause!

What does a chemist say when a panther jumps into a pile of sand?

"Oh, you silicate!"

Knock Knock. Who’s there? Panther. Panther Who?

Panth er no panth, I’m goin’ thwimmin’!

What do you get if you cross a lion and a panther?

Eaten!

How do panthers link to different URLs?

By adding hyper-lynx!

What do you call a big pile of panthers?

A meow-tain!

Where do panthers go when they die?

Purr-gatory!

What does a tank museum and a zoo have in common?

They both have panthers, pumas and tigers!

I was going to make a joke about flexibility…

But it was too much of a stretch!

What did the tomato say at yoga class?

“I’m so flexible, I can stretch from my head to-ma-toes!”

Why do shellfish need to stretch regularly?

To get stronger mussels!

Why do demons need to stretch regularly?

They need to exorcise!

How does a T-rex feel after stretching?

A bit dino-sore!

It’s been ten years since I last bit my nails…

Once I hit forty, I couldn’t stretch my mouth to my toenails any more!

What did the stretch band say when it robbed the bank?

“Nobody move, this is a rubbery!”

What did the newspapers call it when a billionaire got involved in a rubber band scandal?

Elongate!

What’s the best way to stretch your food budget?

Cut a minute steak into sixty pieces. Now everyone can have seconds!

If you see a man stretched out across your yard, how do you know which country he’s from?

It’s easy – he’s a SpanYard!

I’ve been doing yoga for twenty years…

It’s been a long stretch!

What do you call it when you stretch a fork to see if it breaks?

Testing its utensil strength!

I went into a shop that stretched letters for you…

It had really long queues!

Why did the tree stretch?

So it could be timber!

My yoga instructor asked me if I could touch my toes…

 I said, well that’s a bit of a stretch!

Can a Toyota stretch?

No, but a Mercedes Benz!

What do you call a stretched billionaire?

Elongated!

Did you hear about the man who was arrested for stealing yoga DVDs?

He’s doing a long stretch!

People say exercising every day will change your life…

I say that’s a bit of a stretch!

My pilates instructor asked me, “How flexible are you?”

I said, “Well, I can’t do Mondays or Thursdays!”

Why shouldn't you make a blacksmith angry?

He'll always have an axe to grind!

Where do lumberjacks buy their axes?

At the chopping mall!

What happens if you get hit in the head with an axe?

A splitting headache!

What did the knight say when he dropped his weapon?

'It was an axe-ident!'

What do you call it when a medieval weapon holds the door open for you?

A random axe of kindness!

What do Anne Boleyn and a hungry dog have in common?

They're both getting the chop!

What did Henry VIII call his lead executor?

His head axecutive!

Did you hear about the lumber jack who lost his job?

He got the axe!

Did you hear about the lumberjack who quit?

He just couldn't hack it!

What makes axes so intelligent?

Dunno, they're just very cleaver!

Why was the mountaineer unhappy with his climbing equipment?

It was an anti-climb-axe!

I found an axe in my computer today...

I think someone hacked it!

What does a lumberjack do with an egg?

Hatchet!

Why did two lumberjacks make up?

They wanted to bury the hatchet!

Did you hear about the tv show about Anne Boleyn and Catherine Howard?

It got axed!

Why did the lumberjack quit?

He couldn't get a handle on the job!

Why are axes so good for gardening?

They're cutting-hedge technology!

I don't like axe jokes

They aren't big, and they aren't cleaver!

What did Henry VIII say to his executioner?

Chop chop!

What deodorant do lumberjacks wear?

Axe!

What do you call Hello Kitty farting?

Puss and toots!

I just dropped my Hello Kitty phone in the sink and it’s broken!

It was the worst case scenario!

Hello Kitty is a theoretical physicist

She sees everything as strings!

Did you hear Hello Kitty was found guilty of murder?

She got nine life sentences!

Hello Kitty accidentally ate human food last night

Don’t ask meow!

Hello Kitty loves stormy weather…

When it rains, it purrs!

Hello Kitty is constantly being mistaken for a dolphin

Poor puss!

What do you get when you crossbreed Hello Kitty with a duck?

A platypuss!

What do you call it when Hello Kitty wins a dog show?

A Cat-Has-Trophy!

Where will Hello Kitty go when she dies?

Purrgatory!

Hello Kitty begins typing an annoyed work message:

“Purr my last email…”

I just gave Hello Kitty some 7UP

Now she's got 16 lives!

How does Hello Kitty like her steak cooked?

Raaaaawr!

Bacon jokes

What’s the difference between a Hello Kitty and a comma?

Hello Kitty has claws at the end of paws and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause!

What do you call a Japanese cat character with a gun?

Kitty kitty bang bang!

Why did Hello Kitty buy a classic car?

Because she had a fifth-life crisis!

What do you call Hello Kitty without a tail?

Hello Kittv!

What is Hello Kitty’s Communist uncle called?

Chairman Meow!

A black cat

What is Hello Kitty’s sick cousin’s name?

Bron-Kittys!

The pink panther likes to do…

To do to do to do to do to do to dooo dodododo!

What’s the best thing to give a seasick gremlin?

Plenty of room!

Why did the gremlin eat a torch?

He wanted a light snack!

What do gremlins read every morning?

Their horror-scope!

What should you do with a green gremlin?

Wait until it's ripe!

What is a gremlin’s favourite type of bean?

A human bean!

Do gremlins eat popcorn with their fingers?

No, they eat the fingers separately!

Did you know gremlins can grow up to twelve feet?

Luckily they usually only have two!

Why was there no food left at the end of the gremlin party?

Because everyone was a goblin!

What is a gremlin’s favourite book?

Hairy Potter!

What do you say when you meet a two-headed gremlin?

"Hello, hello!"

What is a gremlin’s favourite Star Wars series?

The Bad Batch!

What did the gremlin eat after having his teeth out?

The dentist!

What car does a gremlin drive?

A furr-ari!

What game do gremlins like to play?

Hide and shriek!

What is a gremlin’s favourite cheese?

Monster-ella!

Did you hear about the gremlin who lost his left arm and left leg?

Don’t worry, he’s all right now!

What’s a gremlin’s favourite dinner?

Ghoul-ash!

What do you call a vampire gremlin?

A haemo-goblin!

What’s the difference between a gremlin and a hobbit?

You MUST feed a hobbit after midnight!

What do you call a small gremlin?

His name!

What do you call a rich raccoon?

A cash panda!

What do you call a raccoon with a great voice?

The Masked Singer!

What is a raccoon’s favourite dance?

The trash can-can!

Why did the raccoon sleep under the car?

He wanted to wake up oily!

How do raccoons handle their problems?

By masking their emotions!

Why was the raccoon fired from his job as a binman?

He kept eating all the trash!

What did the taxidermist say to the stuffed raccoon during an argument?

“You are FULL of it!”

What do you call it when a bunch of raccoons are watching your bins?

Raccoon-naissance!

Why did the raccoon take a gourmet cooking class?

He was tired of eating trash!

How do raccoons keep their fur soft?

Raccoon-ditioner!

What do you call a mammal who’s great at telling stories?

A raccoon-teur!

Who would win at Scrabble, a raccoon or a squirrel?

The squirrel – it has a Q in it!

Why did the raccoon go “oink”?

He was learning a new language!

What do you call a raccoon with a banana in each ear?

Anything you want, he can’t hear you!

A vulture tries to get on a plane with a raccoon under each wing...

The attendant stops him and says, “Sorry, you’re only allowed one carry-on!”

What do you call a raccoon covered in pasta sauce?

A ragu-n!

What kind of car does a raccoon drive?

A furr-ari!

What do raccoons love to eat?

Junk food!

Why did the raccoon cross the road?

To prove to the possum it could be done!

What is a raccoon’s favourite game?

Hide and squeak!

So I told my friend a joke about embroidery the other day…

And the punchline had him in stitches!

I'm trying to think of an embroidery pun but I'm really struggling

I needle the help I can get!

A tailor had his eyes replaced with embroidery thread…

So now he has fiber optics!

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Embroidery!

I'm having a lot of difficulty with my embroidery

Oops, wrong thread!

Embroidery without needles...

Is just pointless!

I told my doctor I feel like an embroidery pattern, but they ignored me

I’ve never felt so stabbed in the back!

Mom: I don’t think you know what it means to thread a needle through cloth

Child: Yeah. Sew?

The sword swallower went to a sewing store to buy embroidery needles

He was on a diet!

Christmas trees are terrible at embroidery

They always drop their needles!

I hired a hitman to clean up my embroidery

He has been tying up all the loose ends!

A man doing knitting next to a hedge

What did Captain Picard say when the Enterprise's embroidery machine broke?

Make it sew!

Just sued my mum for sending me a blanket made by her and her embroidery club

Quilty by Association!

So, you don't trust my embroidery skills?

Fine. Suture self!

How would you describe your embroidery skills?

Sew sew!

The comments in the online embroidery forum are fascinating

So many threads!

Should you tie or stitch your loose ends?

Maybe sew maybe knot!

The Bayeux Tapestry is not accurate historically

The whole story has been embroidered. Some say it was a stitch-up!

What’s an embroiderer’s favourite treasure?

Pearl!

What’s an athlete’s favourite type of embroidery?

Running stitch!

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes!

Why do bagpipers always walk while playing the bagpipes?

They're trying to get away from all the noise!

Why do they play bagpipes at funerals?

Because no living person wants to hear them!

Why shouldn’t you run with bagpipes?

You could put your aye out!

No, why should you REALLY not run with bagpipes?

It could get ya kilt!

A true gentleman is one who knows how to play the bagpipes

But doesn't!

What's the difference between an onion and a set of bagpipes?

No one cries when a set of bagpipes is cut up!

My friend starting hearing bagpipes in the back of his head

I think he has Scotsophrenia!

When someone tells a guitarist joke, people laugh

When someone tells a bagpipe joke, people nod in agreement!

What is the best way to tune a bagpipe?

With a Pitchfork!

What is an arrogant bagpiper’s favourite snack?

Braggis!

My neighbours love my 3am bagpipe practice

They even throw rocks through my window so they can hear it better!

Stone rock

A bagpipe player, a banjo player and an accordion player all walk into a bar…

Everybody leaves!

What’s the difference between beginner and expert bagpipers?

Nothing!

My dog is like a bagpipe

When I sit on her she makes a loud noise!

I don’t understand my boyfriend. First he says, “Yes, fine, have a tattoo!”

And now he’s moaning about all the bagpipers in the garden!

Hilarious jokes
Hilarious jokes

What do you call a Scottish bagpiper who’s lost his dog?

Douglas!

What is a bagpiper’s favorite side order?

Gaelic Bread!

Loaf of bread in space

What do you call a French boy who can play the bagpipes?

A oui lad!

Waving colorful French flag

What do you call crossing the sea in the Roman Empire?

A total 'mare!

Which Roman town is the best place to get clean?

Bath!

What's Julius Caesar's favourite fruit drink?

Rubicon!

Which ancient tribe was the most honest?

The Franks!

Why did Julius Caesar invade Britain by boat?

Because they hadn't built the Channel Tunnel yet!

Which ancient tribe was black and white and had tails?

The Dalmatians!

Which ancient tribe fought the Romans and lives in space?

The Astrogoths!

What's the youngest regiment in the Roman army?

The infantry!

Why did the ancient Italians have such a big empire?

They were always Roman around!

What never gets returned if its kicked into Scotland?

Hadrian's Ball!

Why was the Roman upset when a lion ate his wife?

He wasn't gladiator!

Who's the most reliable Roman Emperor?

Constantine!

What do you call a Roman emperor with a cold?

Julius Sneezer!

Why didn't the Romans like the French?

They found them Gauling!

Which tribe were too depressed to fight the Romans?

The Visigoths!

What happens if a chariot goes missing in the Roman Empire?

It gets Vandalised!

Which ancient tribe are you most likely to find on a girls night out?

The Huns!

Who's the most exhausted person in the Roman Empire?

The guy who has to paint Hadrian's Wall!

What did the Romans build after the Antonine Wall?

The Antoten Wall!

What's an ancient Briton's favourite sports team?

Celtic!

You play League of Legends AND World of Warcraft??

Wow, Lol!

What do you call people who design icons in League of Legends?

Lolicons!

Why do the French hate League of Legends?

They have to wait 20 minutes before surrendering!

Why is Donald Trump not a fan of League of Legends?

Because there's too much Faker news!

What did people call Iron Man after he started playing "League of Legends?"

The Toxic Avenger!

What do you call it when Gnar rebels?

Mew-tiny!

Where does Gnar go when he dies?

Purr-gatory!

Why does Gnar make the best omelettes?

He has the best whiskers!

Ivern once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees. How doe she know how many?

Easy - he keeps a log!

I can cut down Ivern just by looking at him

It's true, I saw him with my own eyes!

How does Ivern access the internet?

He logs in!

What do you call Kog’Maw in a big, feathery hat?

Phlegm-buoyant!

What is Volibear’s favourite thing to eat?

Brrrr - Gurrrrs!

Why does Malphite prefer eating space rocks?

They’re a little meteor!

Rammus was my zoology teacher

Weird name, but he tortoise well!

What's the difference between Renekton and a toothbrush?

You can't brush your teeth with a Renekton!

What is Renekton’s favorite party game?

Swallow the leader!

What job would Renkton be really good at?

Navi-gator!

Where does Volibear keep their money?

In a snowbank!

What do you call Volibear on a date In Hawaii?

Lost!

Which Friends character do servers love the most?

Chandler Ping!

Why was the server late for work?

It was stuck in heavy traffic!

Why couldn't the server buy a snack?

It had lost its cache!

A man on a silver laptop decorated with a football sticker

What happened to the server who was bad at football?

It was booted from the team!

A man holding a football

How did the server get wet?

It fell in the sync!

A computer in the water

What did the server have with a glass of milk?

Cookies!

Choc chip cookie

Why did people enjoy the server's parties?

They were a great host!

A laughing sloth next to a computer server

Why did the server bring a ladder?

It wanted to reach the cloud!

What’s a server’s favourite sport?

Ping pong!

Table tennis