100+ of the Funniest Christmas Jokes

The best Christmas jokes! Beano's funny Christmas jokes collection...

Turn ho ho ho into ha ha ha with icicle-sharp, funny Christmas jokes for kids from Beano.

There are more than 100 of the top Christmas jokes on this EPIC list! Still want more of the best Christmas jokes? Head on over to our collection of the funniest Santa jokes or Christmas tree jokes!

What do golfers get in their stockings?

Silly putty!

Why wouldn’t Ebenezer Scrooge eat at the pasta restaurant?

It cost a pretty penne!

What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an iPad?

A pineapple!

What do you get if you cross Santa Claus with a duck?

A Christmas quacker!

Which one of Santa’s reindeer has the best moves?

Dancer!

What does Santa spend his wages on?

Jingle bills!

Where would you find a Christmas tree?

Between a Christmas two and a Christmas four!

Doctor, doctor! I’ve got a mince pie stuck up my nose!

What you need is some cream!

Why don't penguins fly?

Because they're not tall enough to be pilots!

What's the best thing to put into a Christmas cake?

Your teeth!

Why do snowmen like living at the North Pole?

Because it's cool!

Which athlete is warmest in winter?

A long jumper!

How did Scrooge end up with the football?

The ghost of Christmas passed!

How do Mexican sheep say Merry Christmas?

Fleece Navidad!

What is the best Christmas present in the world?

A broken drum, you just can't beat it!

What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?

Cross mouse cards!

What Christmas carol is sung in the desert?

O, Camel Ye Faithful!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve!

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?

A mince spy!

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep pan, crisp and even!

Why was the snowman rummaging in the bag of carrots?

He was picking his nose!

What did the snowman say to the robin?

I have snow idea!

What song do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?

Freeze a jolly good fellow!

Why did the turkey join the band?

Because it had the drumsticks!

Where does Santa go when he's sick?

To the elf centre!

Who delivers Christmas presents to baby sharks?

Santa Jaws!

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?

A Holly Davidson!

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?

Because he had low elf esteem!

Why does Santa go to the doctor so often?

He likes to look after his elf!

Where would you find snowmen dancing?

At a snowball!

What did one Christmas tree decoration say to the other?

Let's hang out!

What's Tarzan's favourite Christmas carol?

Jungle Bells!

Why did the turkey cross the road?

He wasn't chicken!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite!

Doctor, doctor! I’m scared of Father Christmas!

You’re suffering from Claus-trophobia!

What reindeer has the worst manners?

Rude-olph!

Who delivers your dog’s Christmas presents?

Santa Paws!

What do elves learn in school?

The elf-abet!

What did one snowman say to the other?

Can you smell carrots?

What do you get if Santa forgets to wear his undercrackers?

Saint Knickerless!

What does Santa use to bake cakes?

Elf-raising flour!

What happens to naughty elves?

They get the sack!

What says "Oh Oh Oh"?

Santa walking backwards!

Why did nobody bid for Donner and Blitzen on eBay?

They were two deer!

What's green, covered in tinsel and goes "ribbet ribbet"?

Mistle-toad!

Why don't you ever see Father Christmas in hospital?

Because he has private elf care!

What nationality is Santa?

North Polish!

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Ice Krispies!

How is Drake like an elf?

He spends all his time wrapping!

Which Christmas carol do dogs like best?

Bark the Herald Angels Sing!

What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?

Stick with me and we'll go places!

What is a lion's favourite Christmas carol?

Jungle Bells!

Why is a broken drum an excellent Christmas present?

You can't beat it!

What do you call an old snowman?

A puddle!

How do you feel when you can't get to your Advent calendar chocolate?

Foiled!

How many letters are there in the Christmas alphabet?

25 - there's no L!

How long are an elf’s legs?

Just long enough to reach the ground!

What’s red, white and green?

Santa Claus when he’s travel sick!

What does Santa eat for breakfast?

Mistle toast!

Where does Santa stay when he’s on holiday?

In a ho-ho-hotel!

What did one cranberry say to another at Christmas?

Tis the season to be jelly!

Why do mummies like Christmas so much?

Because of all the wrapping!

What did one Christmas tree say to another?

Lighten up!

Why is it so cold at Christmas?

Because it's in Decembrrrr!

What comes at the end of Christmas Day?

The letter Y!

Who robs from the rich so he can gift-wrap presents for the poor?

Ribbon Hood!

What's red, white and blue at Christmas time?

A sad candy cane!

Why should Christmas dinner always be well done?

So you can say "Merry Crispness"!

Knock knock! Who's there? Harold. Harold who?

Harold Angels Sing!

Knock knock! Who's there? Holly. Holly who?

Holly-days are here again!

Knock knock! Who's there? Hanna. Hanna who?

Hanna partridge in a pear tree!

Knock, knock! Who's there? Snow. Snow who?

Snow business like show business!

This turkey tastes like an old sofa...

Well, I thought you liked stuffing!

What is the most competitive season?

Win-ter!

Which Christmas carol is about an animal with three legs?

Little Wonkey!

Why is everyone so thirsty at the North Pole?

No well, no well!

What’s a snowman’s favourite food?

Chilli!

What is a skunk’s favourite Christmas carol?

Jingle Smells!

Where does Mistletoe go to become famous?

Hollywood!

What month do Christmas trees hate most?

Sep-timber!

What happened to the man who stole an Advent calendar?

He got 24 days!

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?

She gave him the cold shoulder!

When is a boat just like snow?

When it's adrift!

What do snowmen eat for lunch?

Iceburgers with chilly sauce!

How do snowmen get around?

They ride an icicle!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?

Ice caps!

What do you call Rudolph with tinsel in his ears?

Anything you want, he can't hear you!

Why did Rudolph cross the road?

Because he was tied to the chicken!

Why didn’t Rudolph go to school?

He was elf-taught!

What's worse than a reindeer with a runny nose?

A snowman with a fever!

What do you call a man who claps at Christmas?

Sant Applause!

Who forgets to put on his underpants, then goes out to deliver presents?

Saint Knicker-less!

Why doesn’t Santa eat junk food?

Because it’s bad for your elf!

What do you call Santa's little helpers?

Subordinate clauses!

Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?

Because it 'soots' him!

What did the sea say to Santa?

Nothing! It just waved!

How much did Santa's sleigh cost?

Nothing - it was on the house!

What do snowmen do when the weather's too hot for hats and scarves?

They change into puddles!

What do you call people who are scared of Christmas?

Claustrophobic!

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Frosties!

How many presents can Santa fit into an empty sack?

Only one - after that, it isn't empty!

How do you know if Santa's in your house?

You can sense his presents!

Who solves crimes at Christmas?

Santa Clues!

What did the reindeer say to the elf?

Nothing - reindeer can't talk!

How do you scare a snowman?

With a hairdryer!

How good is Santa at karate?

He has a black belt!

What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish!

What kind of music do elves like best?

Wrap!

What goes 'Oh oh oh!'?

Santa, when he puts the sleigh in reverse!

What's red, white and spotty?

Santa Claus with chickenpox!

What's green and covered in tinsel?

A mistle toad!

Who is Santa's all-time favourite pop singer?

Elf-is Presley!

If an athlete gets athlete's foot, what does an elf get?

Mistle toe!

What do frogs love about Christmas?

Mistle-toad

What's red and white, red and white, red and white?

Santa rolling down a hill!

What do you call Santa when he's on a tea break?

Santa Pause!

What's James Bond's favourite Christmas grub?

Mince spies!

Why are Christmas trees bad at sewing?

They always drop their needles!

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?

Nothing, it was on the house!

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can hoe, hoe, hoe!

What is Santa's sister called?

Mary Christmas!

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?

Hornaments!

What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?

Claus-trophobic!

Knock, knock! Who's there? Anna. Anna who?

[SING] Anna partridge in a pear tree!

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?

Their days are numbered!

What's the most popular wine at Christmas?

"I don't like sprouts!"

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