How do you know if your friend is a construction site thief?
All the signs will be there!
I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets?
Then it hit me!
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places…
She told me to stop going to those places!
Two fish are sitting in a tank…
One looks at the other and says, “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?!”
Why do people hate Russian dolls so much?
Because they are so full of themselves!
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know but the flag is a big plus!
What did the DNA say to the other DNA?
Do these genes make me look fat?
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?
All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach…”!
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them!
What do you call someone who is smart compared to horses?
A stable genius!
Oh, you don’t want me to help you dress smart?
Do chemistry jokes make you sound smart?
Why is the sun so smart?
Because it has over 5000 degrees!
Why are computers so smart?
Because they listen to their motherboards!
Why do smart neanderthals do their tests on stone tablets?
Because their tests are harder!
What do you call smart cheese?
Scientists recently discovered a new dinosaur that was very intelligent…
They named it thesaurus!
On a scale of 1 to 10, how obsessed am I with Harry Potter?
How do mathematicians tell off their children?
If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times!
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
What do you do with a sick chemist?
If you can’t helium and you can’t curium, then you may as well barium!
Why do people call organic chemistry the meanest science?
Because it’s always pushing electrons around!
Teacher: If I had 6 oranges in one hand and 7 apples in the other, what would I have?
Student: Big hands!
Why can you never trust atoms?
They make up everything!
How did the Romans cut their hair?
With a pair of Caesars!
Why was 500AD to 900AD known as the Dark Ages?
Because those were the days of the knights!
What happened to the maths teacher’s garden?
The plants all grew square roots!