290 Word Jokes That Are So Punny!

What do you call a knight who’s also a priest?

Sir Mon!

Who is the wimpiest knight in the court?

Sir Render!

What do you call a knight who loves snakes?

Sir Pent!

What is a princess’s favourite time?

Knight time!

Which knight always goes to bed on time?

Sir Cadian Rhythm!

Who’s the grumpiest knight?

Sir Lee!

Which knight wrote books?

King Author!

What’s the worst thing for dragons when knights bring them a birthday cake?

Blowing out the candles!

What did King Arthur name the extra knight?

Sir Plus!

What eats more knights than a dragon?

Two dragons!

Why is Camelot so famous?

It has great knight life!

Why were medieval times called the Dark Ages?

Because there were so many knights!

Which knight loves to eat steak?

Sir Loin!

Who is the most confident knight in the court?

Sir Tenlee!

Why is Lancelot always tired?

He works the knight shift!

Who is the weirdest knight in the court?

Sir Eel!

Where do knights go to learn?

Knight school!

Why do dragons love to eat knights?

They love canned food!

Why were the king’s men so tired?

Too many sleepless knights!

Who’s the roundest knight at King Arthur’s table?

Sir Cumference!

Why didn't the flat earther go to the award ceremony?

He didn't believe in the Golden Globes!

Why don't flat earthers go to U2 concerts?

They don't wanna go near The Edge!

What do you call a flat earther?

A globe-aphobe!

Some people really do think the Earth is flat...

It means the world to them!

I wanted to make a joke about the world not being round...

But it fell flat!

Why don't I believe in a flat earth?

It's not a revolutionary idea!

I've just joined the Flat Earth Society

We have members around the world!

Flat Earthers have heard their theory is spreading across the globe...

But they don't believe it!

I tried to argue with a flat earther but he stormed off..

I'm sure he'll come around!

Why do people believe in a flat earth?

It broadens their horizons!

Who is president of the Flat Earth Society?

It's on rotation!

What sings and doesn't think the world is round?

Flat Eartha Kitt!

It's hard not to believe the Earth is a globe

In a roundabout way!

Why did the flat earther build his house by the sea?

He wanted to live on the edge!

What do you call a flat earther who's mad?

Close to the edge!

Why did a flat earther dig a hole?

To prove the Earth was flat...but he barely scratched the surface!

Did you hear about the guy who thought the moon was flat?

He was going through a difficult phase

How many flat earthers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two: one to change it and one to point out that the ceiling doesn't curve

Why don't flat earthers ever go on cruises?

They're worried they might go over the edge!

What do you call a flat earth that plays music?

A world record!

Did you know that Mrs Doubtfire served time in prison?

It was male fraud!

I confronted Mrs Doubtfire after she lied about servicing my house

I just wanted her to come clean!

Without a doubt...

My favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire!

I got a job as Mrs Doubtfire in the new musical

I'm a maid man! 

Mrs Doubtfire told me her goat was pregnant

But she was just kidding! 

What's Mrs Doubtfire's favourite fruit?

Au pair! 

What does Mrs Doubtfire order from the Indian restaurant?

Nan bread!

Why does Mrs Doubtfire make such a good owl impression?

She's a hootin’ nanny! 

Mrs Doubtfire is Robin William's greatest role

He was maid for it!

Mrs Doubtfire doesn't get tired

She gets sweepy! 

Who's there? A little old lady. A little old lady who?

I didn’t know Mrs Doubtfire could yodel!

Did you hear Mrs Doubtfire fell down a hole?

She couldn’t see that well!

Mrs Doubtfire comes from a very musical family

Even the sewing machine's a singer!

A pasta chef was caught stuffing the ballot boxes for the Mrs Doubtfire musical at an awards show

He was trying to rig a Tony!

What does the dad in Mrs Dountfire do when he sleeps?

He lies still!

The dad from Mrs Doubtfire is going to Liars Anonymous!

Apparently they’ve already made him president!

Apparently Mrs Doubtfire is actually the dad pretending to be a nanny

As if, I’m not falling for that!

A policeman spotted Mrs Doubtfire driving while knitting."Pullover!" he screamed

"No, it's a scarf!" she yelled back!

What do you call Mrs Doubtfire’s pet snake?

A nanaconda!

Did you know that Mrs Doubtfire could have just as easily have been another title

'Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dad'

What’s the difference between Cristiano Ronaldo and time?

Time passes!

What drink does Ivan Toney enjoy?

Penaltea!

What did Ant say while eating a curry during the Euros final?

“Declan… Rice was fantastic!”

What is a Jordan Pickford’s favourite lunch? 

Beans on post!

Why did England play Iceland in a Euros warm-up game?

Asda were busy!

Why is the Swiss defence like a block of cheese?

It’s full of holes!

Why did Harry Kane take a piece of rope onto the pitch?

He was the skipper!

I like watching the Euros when I’m at the hairdressers…

The experience is the same but the highlights are better!

Why did Cole Palmer wear a coat on the pitch at the Euros?

He was too cold!

What do you call a Scottish person in the knockout stages of the Euros?

The referee!

What do you get if you cross a Star Wars character and a butcher?

Obi Wan Baloney!

Where do butchers have fun?

At the meat ball!

Where’s the worst place to hide in a hospital?

The ICU!

I want to tell a joke about butchers...

But I'm too chicken!

What do you call it when you spy on a butcher?

A steak out!

There was a break in at the butchers last night...

Police suspect a hamburglar!

Did you hear about the Minion who fell ill?

He had yellow fever!

I want to make a meat joke...

But I'd probably butcher it!

What happened when one butcher proposed to another?

It was a tender moment!

Why don't butchers use dictionaries?

They don't want to mince their words!

A good steak pun is a rare medium...

Well done!

What does a butcher do to make a cake?

Bacon!

Nurse: “Sorry to keep you waiting!”

Me: “Oh don’t worry, I’m patient!”

Why don't butchers work on aeroplanes?

The steaks are too high!

I'd love to tell you a sausage joke...

But it's the wurst!

What did one butcher say to another?

'Don't go bacon my heart!'

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef!

Why is true love like a fancy steak?

It's rare!

What’s the one upside of bird flu?

It's easily tweetable!

I know I should stop making jokes about butchers...

But I can't go cold turkey!

What's an astronaut's favourite sandwich filler?

Launch meat!

What happened when the butcher accidentally backed into the meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work!

What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor?

Cured meat!

What do you get if you cross a chicken and a cow?

Roost beef!

How do you know when a vampire is ill?

He won’t stop coffin!

I don’t think this joke about vaccines is very funny…

But I’m willing to give it a shot!

I have a joke about the flu…

But I hope you don't get it!

What do you call an astronomer with food poisoning?

A gastrophysicist!

Did you hear about the kid who was hospitalised after swallowing ten plastic horses?

He’s in a stable condition!

What do you call it when the hospital runs out of maternity nurses?

A midwife crisis!

When is it good news to hear that your wife and then your daughter were admitted to hospital?

The day your daughter is born!

My dad called me today to say that he was in the hospital…

I said, I know, you’re there every day – you’re a doctor!

Did you hear about the optician who fell into a lens grinder?

He made a spectacle of himself!

I’ve heard an apple a day will keep the doctor away…

Depends how good your aim is, though!

Why was the martial artist in hospital?

He had kung flu!

What do you call a unicorn who keeps up to date with his vaccinations?

An immunicorn!

Why shouldn’t you eat the leftover sushi?

You might feel a bit eel!

What’s the most flattering thing about being ill?

Knowing that germs find you irresistible!

Why do Lego minifigures go to the hospital?

Plastic surgery!

Look on the bright side…

At least you don’t have to wear a cone!

Why couldn't Arsenal order the book 'The Best Team in England'?

The title had already been taken!

What does Mikhel Arteta do when his team wins 5-0?

Wakes up with a shock!

Why did David Raya feel artistic after a goalless game?

Because it ended in a draw!

What's the worst thing about Arsenal's stadium?

The seats face the pitch!

What's the difference between Arsenal's goalie and a taxi driver?

A taxi driver will only let four in!

What does Gabriel Jesus and a magician have in common?

Hat tricks!

How does Kai Havertz keep cool?

He stands near his fans!

Why did Arsenal buy some new lightbulbs?

They were sick of being in Man City's shadow!

Why did David Raya spend ages on his computer?

He couldn't save his work!

Why was Declan Rice upset on his birthday?

Someone gave him a red card!

I set my email password to ‘arsenaldefence’…

And the computer said it was too weak!

Why is the pitch at the Emirates always wet?

Because Saka dribbles everywhere!

Why can't Arsenal take a dog for a walk?

They always throw away the lead!

What's the difference between Arsenal and a cup of tea?

The tea stays in the cup longer!

What's the difference between Arsenal and a bin full of rubbish?

The bin!

What does an Arsenal fan do when their team wins a trophy? 

Turns off the games console!

What do Arsenal and Spurs fans have in common?

They're both obsessed with Spurs!

What's the difference between Arsenal and a book?

A book has a title!

What do you call the room where Arsenal keep their cups?

The canteen!

Why do people go to study at Arsenal's ground?

Because it's so quiet!

My wife said is nervous about meeting people on our upcoming cruise

I said “don’t worry. We are all on the same boat!”

Lots of my friends enjoy going on cruises

I'm not onboard with that, though!

What do you get when you cross a hurricane with a cruise ship full of 1990's boy bands?

Washed up musicians!

People think Tom Cruise is short for a man

It's actually short for "Thomas Cruise"

I want to take a cruise around the coast of Finland…

But can I afjord it?

What do you call a cruise full of college graduates?

A scholar-ship!

What vegetable isn’t allowed on cruise ships?

Leeks!

A cruise passenger asks the Captain, “How far away is land?” “3 miles” he answers

“That’s not too bad, in which direction?” she asks. The Captain replied, “Down!”

What keeps a cruise ship floating above water?

Pier pressure!

Did you hear the latest trend is trampolines on cruise ships?

Now everyone is jumping on board!

Who is in charge of blowing their noses on a cruise?

The anchor chiefs!

Do you wanna hear a joke about the world’s fastest cruise ship?

It’s a quick one-liner!

I once took a Spanish class on a cruise ship

But I got lost at sí!

A nervous cruiser met the captain at the welcome reception. “Do ships like this sink very often?”

“No,” said the captain. “Just the once!”

Did you hear about the red cruise ship and the blue cruise ship that crashed into each other?

The survivors were marooned!

What did the sea say to the cruise ship?

Nothing - it just waved!

What do you call it when a load of footballers go on a cruise?

A sportsmanship!

Why couldn’t the cruise ship passengers play cards?

Because they were standing on the deck!

I have a great joke about builders…

But I still have to work on it!

What is a builder’s favourite band?

Men at Work!

What is a builder’s least favourite band?

Men Without Hats!

How does a builder fix a stuck tap?

Faucet!

Why did the builder choose not to work in motorway construction?

He didn’t want to go down that road!

Did you know the Pentagon was supposed to be an Octagon?

It’s true, but the builders kept cutting corners!

Why are builders so much fun at parties?

They know how to raise the roof!

Why did it take the construction worker so long to propose to his girlfriend?

He was really building up to it!

What does a railway builder have in common with a DJ?

They both love laying down tracks!

Why did the builder turn down a job in Egypt?

It was a pyramid scheme!

What kind of advice do builders give?

Constructive criticism!

Why do builders hate drilling holes?

It's boring!

Why do builders love attaching metal together?

It's riveting!

What kind of bird makes the best builder?

A crane!

I told my builder I didn’t want carpets on my staircase…

He just gave me a blank stair!

Why are nosy roofers so bad at their jobs?

They’re always eavesdropping!

What is the tallest building a builder can construct?

A library, because it has the most stories!

What is the lightest building a builder can construct?

A lighthouse!

I had to tell my clients that I’m really bad at installing electric outlets…

They were shocked!

Why are builders so good at giving advice?

They always hit the nail on the head!

Why did the bus driver in the jungle stop?

He saw the zebra crossing!

What did the bus driver say to the rabbit?

Hop on board!

What's sort of bus does a deep sea fish drive?

An octobus!

What do bus drivers put in their sandwiches?

Traffic jam!

Who works on an electric bus?

The conductor!

Why do bus drivers eat so many herbs?

To be on thyme!

Why did the bus driver quit?

He got tyred!

Why are bus drivers so cultural?

They're well travelled!

Why did the bus driver quit?

The job was driving him crazy!

Why was the bus driver so good at his job?

He always went the extra mile!

What's so great about bus ticket inspectors?

I don't know, but you've really got to hand it to them!

Why did the bus driver quit?

He got exhausted!

Why did the bus driver blush?

He saw the traffic light changing!

How good are bus drivers?

Wheely good!

What do you call a bus with a lovely driver?

A joy ride!

Which Toy Story character drives a bus?

Bus Lightyear!

What sort of vehicle do bees drive?

A buzz!

Do you know any good bus driver puns?

No, but the service is a joke!

Why is it stressful being a bus driver?

People are always talking behind your back!

Why don't bus drivers ever get tired?

They're always breaking!

What does a vegetable get in bowling?

A-spare-I-guess!

Why was Cinderella such a bad bowler?

Her coach was a pumpkin!

What excuse did the bowler give when he was accused of stealing?

“I was framed!”

My coach said “three strikes and you’re out!”

My bowling team doesn’t like show-offs!

I’m really good at bowling

I always get a hole in one!

I always like to go bowling on Thanksgiving

Because I am guaranteed to get a turkey that day!

It was my son's birthday, so I took 4 of his mates to the bowling alley

They had a great time, he would have loved it!

I love bowling pins

They’re right up my alley!

My wife asked me if I’d seen the dog bowl

I said I didn’t even know he liked ten pin bowling!

How much should one bowling game cost?

Ten pinnies!

After hours of waiting for the bowling alley to open

We finally got the ball rolling!

Which bowler floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee?

Muhammad Alley!

Which bowler wears the biggest shoes?

The one with the biggest feet!

I was going to tell you a really bad bowling pun

But I thought I’d spare you!

Why did the Malory Towers girls do their maths homework on the floor?

The teacher asked them not to use tables!

Why did Irene take a ladder to music class?

So she could hit the high notes!

Why did Darrell do her homework in the tallest part of Malory Towers?

To get a higher education!

What should you do if Gwendoline rolls her eyes at you?

Pick them up and roll them back!

What did Mary Lou say to her pencil on the first day of school?

“Looking sharp!”

Why did Miss Grayling jump in the sea?

She wanted to test the water!

Why did Gwendoline eat her homework?

Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake!

Why did the chocolate want to go to Malory Towers?

He wanted to be a Smartie!

Why was the egg thrown out of class?

It told too many yolks!

Why should Malory Towers teach surfing?

Because it's a boarding school!

Which building at Malory Towers has the most storeys?

The library!

Why could a broom never go to Malory Towers?

They’re always sweeping during class!

Why does the Malory Towers hockey team sweat so much?

They don’t have many fans!

Why did Miss Grayling draw on a window?

She wanted her lesson to be clear!

Darrell: What did you learn in school today?

Alicia: Clearly not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!

Why does the clock in the dining hall run slow?

Because it already went back for seconds!

Why isn’t there a clock in the library at Malory Towers?

Because it tocks too much!

How did Darrell get straight As?

She used a ruler!

What would a witch teach at Malory Towers?

Spelling!

Why did Matron Kathleen have to wear sunglasses?

Because her pupils were too bright!

I keep eating bread even though I'm allergic...

I'm a gluten for punishment!

What should you do if you eat too much gluten?

Get bread rest!

Why are gluten free people so unique?

They really go against the grain!

What do Germans say to bread?

'Gluten tag!'

Did you hear about the gluten-free graveyard?

It was flourless!

I don't think much of people who are gluten free...

It's a silly act!

Is this gluten free?

No, it costs money!

What do you call gluten free spaghetti?

An impasta!

There's a new gluten free bakery opening near me...

I can barley wheat!

What do you call a cow that's gone gluten free?

A silly yak!

What do French celiacs call bread?

Le pain!

What do gluten free people have on their birthdays?

Rice cakes!

What do you go if you want a gluten free Halloween?

Trick, no wheat!

What do you call a gluten free joke?

Corny!

Which animal is gluten intolerant?

A rye-noceros!

What do you call a woman who is Gluten intolerant?

Celia-c!

What do you use to hold bread together?

Glue-ten!

Why was the celiac upset on Valentine's day?

She got flours!

What did the celiac say to their morning toast?

Bready or not, here I come!

What did the baker say to the celiac who fell in his mixture?

Get out of the whey!

My friend handed me a peach. I told him I prefer pears

So he handed me another one!

Where do you take your pear tree when it runs out of pears?

The re-pear shop!

What happens when an apple and a pear are hybridized?

It makes a new fruit appear!

What do you call a pear thats a dad?

I don't really know but it should be apparent!

What do you call it when fruit are a bad influence on each other?

Pear pressure!

How did the pear get into an easy group at the Olympics?

Because it was well seeded!

Why was the pear by himself?

Because the banana split!

Why did the pear stop?

He ran out of juice!

What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?

Finding half a worm in your pear!

What do Noah and a tin can have in common?

They both preserve pears!

Why didn’t the pear and the banana get married?

Because fruit cantaloupe!

Went to the shop today to buy some pears, lemons and apples, but they didn’t have any

It was a fruitless trip!

I tried growing genetically modified apples

But it's gone pear shaped!

A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway

It’s caused a huge jam!

Why did the pear go out with a prune?

Because he couldn’t find a date!

What do you call two pears?

A pair!

What’s the best thing about having a mullet?

You can go from business to party in less than a second!

I don’t want to eat a haircut…

But I might have to just bite the mullet!

I was going cut my hair on a whim, but I changed my mind…

I think I dodged a mullet there!

What do you call a mullet on a bald man?

A skullet!

Why is February like a mullet?

It seems short, but looking back – it’s actually quite long!

What did the mullet say to the hat?

“You go on ahead, I’ll trail behind!”

Every time a mullet reaches shoulder length…

An angel gets its denim jacket!

I’ve had a mullet for forty years now…

To be honest, it’s wearing a bit thin!

What do you call it when you get revenge on someone by getting a mullet?

Rat-tail-iation!

I keep my herb garden like a mullet…

Basil in front, parsley in back!

What do you call a Scot with a bad haircut?

Mulet of Kintyre!

I just knew Superman could defeat Haircut Man…

He's faster than a speeding mullet!

What’s an Australian’s favourite drink?

Single mullet whisky!

What’s an Australian’s favourite Christmas drink?

Mullet wine!

How do people born into 80s make a decision?

They mullet over!

A man with a mullet walks into a bar…

The barman says, “The party’s in the back!”

How do you kill an Australian werewolf?

A silver mullet!

How do you decide which haircut to get?

You mullet over!

What do you call a woman with a mullet?

A mullette!

What did the mullet say to the hat?

“You cover the business, I’ll handle the party!”

What are Wallace's favourite movies?

Cheesy ones!

What do you call cheese that belongs to Wallace?

Nacho cheese!

What's Gromit's favourite pizza topping?

Pup-eroni!

Why is Gromit such a bad dancer?

He has two left feet!

Where does Gromit never shop?

Flea markets!

Why did Gromit have to make a return at the clothes store?

Wallace got the Wrong Trousers!

How do you get in touch with Feathers McGraw?

Give him a wing!

What does a dyslexic Wallace wear on his head?

A cat flap!

Where does Feathers McGraw keep his stolen diamond?

In a snow bank!

How much does Wallace love Gromit?

To the moon and back!

How do you get in touch with Gromit?

Give him a bone!

What does Feathers McGraw eat for lunch?

Ice burgers!

Why did Wallace and Gromit open a bakery?

They kneaded the dough!

Why did Feathers McGraw cross the road?

To prove he wasn't chicken!

What does Wendolene use to clean her windows?

Windolene!

What does Gromit and a phone have in common?

They both have collar ID!

What's Wallace's favourite sport?

Grand Brie!

What happened when Wallace's cheese fridge broke?

There was a melt down!

What's black and white and goes round and round?

Feathers McGraw in a revolving door!

Why was Gromit so tired?

He'd had a ruff day!

How is a meditating monk like a fibre-optic cable?

Total internal reflection!

What did the head monk say to the monk who was leaving the monastery?

"You're friared!"