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Football Jokes

KICK back and relax with Beano's best football jokes!

Reach your comedy GOALS with these hilarious football jokes! We’ll have you BALLING with laughter!

When you’re done here, you’ll be a fan of our super sports jokes too. Or check out our epic FIFA jokes!

Didn’t do well in my football teamwork exam…

exam jokes

I didn’t pass!

What do the Lionesses say before they want to win a game?

Let us prey!

What do you cheer at the women’s world cup final?

Megan Rapin-GO!

What lights up a football pitch at night?

A football match!

Why do footballers struggle to eat sandwiches?

They think they can’t use their hands!

Why did the Lionnesses lose the world cup?

They were playing against cheetahs!

Which footballer is also a hip-hop star?

Megan RAPinoe!

Why don’t fish play football?

They’re scared of nets!

Why should you never break up with a footballer?

Because they’re keepers!

How did Scrooge end up with the football?

The ghost of Christmas passed!

Who’s scaly, cold-blooded and plays at Stamford Bridge?

Eden Lizard!

Mauricio Pochettino must have hurt his leg…

He always uses a Kane!

What should you do if Liverpool’s midfield steal your car?

Call the Klopps!

What’s the best way to protect your house from bad football?

A Guard-iola dog!

What is Man United’s goalie’s best feature?

De Gea!

Why are Man City better than Everton?

They have twice as much Silva!

Did you hear about the football pitch NASA built on the moon?

They used astroturf!

When is a football pitch like a triangle?

When somebody takes a corner!

What kind of tea does Alex Morgan drink?


Why is Messi like a magician?

He has loads of hat tricks!

What blows at 100mph and always scores?

A Harrykane!

Who’s the most dangerous footballer?

Eden Hazard!

Why is Ronaldo’s bedroom always tidy?

Because he’s not Messi!

Who’s the slipperiest footballer?

Antoine GREASE-man!

Who was the horse’s favourite footballer?


What’s healthy and scores a lot of goals?

Fruit Salah!

Which footballer makes the best coffee?

Diego Costa!

Who was the sheep’s favourite footballer?

Paul PogBAAA!

Why was the footballer covered in spit?

She was always dribbling!

What’s the chilliest football ground?

Cold Trafford!

Why can’t Cinderella play football?

Her coach is a pumpkin!

Why couldn’t the car play football?

It only had one boot!

Which football team loves ice cream?

Aston Vanilla!

Are lightning bolts good at football?

No, they’re shocking!

How do footballers stay cool?

They sit next to their fans!

Next up: sports jokes, link from football jokes. Man putting basketball into net.