Simon is in the school play and invites his parents, who don’t think he’ll be very good. Halfway through the play a floorboard breaks underneath Simon and he falls through. ‘Dont worry’ Simon’s dad whispers to his mum
‘It’s just a stage he’s going through!’
A Frenchman goes into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. ‘That’s really lovely’ says the barman. ‘Where did you get him from?’
‘France’ replies the parrot ‘There’s millions of them!
A man takes his cross-eyed dog to the vet. After examining the dog, the vet says ‘I’m very sorry, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to put him down’. ‘Because he’s crossed-eyed?’ asks the man
‘No’ says the vet ‘Because he’s very heavy!’
Ben sees a sign in a barbershop advertising Chris Hemsworth-style haircuts. Ben goes in and asks for one. When the barber has finished, Ben has half his head shaved and covered in cuts. ‘This isn’t how Chris Hemsworth has his hair’ complains Ben
‘It would be if he came in here!’ said the barber
One day Naomi’s doorbell goes. When she opens the door, there’s a huge beetle standing there. It pushes her over and runs away. Noami has to go to hospital. When she explains what happened to the doctor, she says ‘Ah, I’m not surprised. You’re the fifth case we’ve had today’ ‘Really?’ says Naomi.
‘Yes’ says the doctor, ‘There’s a rather nasty bug going around!’
Mark is waiting for a date in a cafe when he spots Justin Bieber at the next table. ‘Excuse me’ says Mark, ‘During my date, would you come over and say hi? My date will be so impressed if she thinks I know Justin Bieber!’ ‘Sure’ says Justin. During the date, Justin comes over and says ‘Hey Mark, hows it going?’ Mark turns and says
‘Get lost Justin, can’t you see I’m on a date?!’
Darren goes to the doctors. ‘You need new glasses’ says the Doctor. ‘But I haven’t told you what’s wrong yet!’ said Darren. ‘You don’t need to’ says the Doctor
‘I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window’
A brown paper bag is feeling sick, so it goes to the doctor. The doctor does some tests. ‘I’m sorry to say you seem to have inherited this illness from your family’ says the doctor. ‘What?’ says the bag ‘That’s impossible, I’m a paper bag’
‘Yes’ says the doctor, ‘But apparently your mother was a carrier’.
Anna walks past a man sprinkling powder all over his garden. ‘Excuse me’ asks Anna ‘What are you doing?’ The man replies ‘Just sprinkling my anti-crocodile powder to keep away the crocodiles’ he says. ‘What?’ Says Anna, ‘But there aren’t any crocodiles around here!’
‘I know’ says the man. ‘It works a treat!’
A banana, a giraffe and Taylor Swift walk into a bar.
‘What is this?’ The barman asks ‘Some sort of joke?!’
Steve and Sarah accidentally run over a rabbit in their car. The rabbit is badly hurt, but Sarah quickly takes out a can and sprays it. Suddenly, the rabbit gets up and gives them a wave. They watch as it hops off, still waving its paws. Steve looks at the spray can. It says:
‘Hair spray – restores life to dead hair and adds permanent wave’
Two men get stranded in the desert. After days of walking, they come across a market. ‘Please, we need water’ says the first man. ‘I’m sorry’ says the market stall owner ‘I can only sell you custard, jam or cream’. Dissapointed, they walk on. ‘That was strange’ says the second man.
‘Yes.’ says the first man. ‘It was a trifle bazaar’
One night Sarah wakes up and hears someone yelling outside ‘Help me! I need a push!’. Sarah is tired and wants to ignore it, but then remembers when her car broke down in the middle of the night once, and feels bad. Sarah goes downstairs, but can’t see anyone outside. ‘Where are you?’ She calls
‘Over here!’ The voice answers ‘On the swings!’
One day a man accidentally runs over a cat. He finds the cats address on its collar and visits the owner. ‘I’m so sorry’ he says when she opens the door ‘But I’m afraid I’ve run over your cat. I’d like to replace it if you’ll let me’. ‘Hmm’ She says, looking at him, ‘Well, that’s all very well’
‘But you’ll have to sleep in the kitchen!’
A man sees a sign in a window saying ‘Talking dog for sale’ He knocks on the door and the dog comes out ‘Hey’ says the dog ‘I’m a talking dog. I’m also a world champion snooker player, a video game designer and I volunteer with the blind’. ‘Why would you want to sell this dog?!’ the man asks the owner.
‘Because’ Sighs the owner; ‘He’s a liar!’
Knock knock. Who’s there? Banana. Knock knock. Who’s there? Banana. Knock knock. Who’s there? Banana. Knock knock. Who’s there? Banana. Knock knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn’t say banana!
A rabbit goes into a bar and asks for a cheese toastie. He gets one. Then he orders a ham toastie. Then a tomato toastie. Then a bacon toastie. Finally, he falls off his chair, clutching his stomach and groaning. ‘What’s wrong?’ asks the barman
‘Oh’ says the rabbit ‘It must be mixing ma toasties!’
A bear walks into a bar and says ‘I’ll have a whiskey please……….no ice’. The barman says ‘Why the big pause’?
‘Oh’ Says the bear ‘They’ve always been size’
A man goes into a bar with a fish around his shoulders. He asks the barman – do you serve fishcakes? The bar man says ‘No, sorry’
That’s a shame, says the man ‘It’s his birthday!’
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?