100+ Dead Funny Halloween Jokes

Scoop maximum trick or treat loot with Beano's best ever spooky Halloween jokes. They're (un)dead funny!

Are you looking for the best Halloween jokes, maybe even the best Halloween joke ever? If you're going to dig it up anywhere, it's going to be here.

These dead funny jokes are alive and kicking! We've got jokes for Halloween that will get even the undead gasping with laughter.

We've also got a gaggle of ghost jokes, very funny vampire jokes, witch jokes to make you wail and mega monster jokes! Don't miss our Halloween hub, the online home of Halloween: spooky jokes, creepy crafts and crafty quizzes.

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius...

But his brother Frank was a monster!

Why didn't the zombie cross the road?

They didn't have the guts!

What do zombies have for school lunches?

Human beans, fried legs and eyes cream!

Why do zombies never eat comedians?

They taste funny!

Why does a cemetery have to keep a fence around it?

Because people are dying to get in!

What's a zombies favorite bean?

A human bean!

Why are zombies always hired as make-up artists?

Because they have to put their face on every morning!

Why did the vampire need to get their make up on fleek?

Because there was a lot at stake!

What do ghosts serve at dinner parties?

Poultry-geist!

What do ghosts do at sleepovers?

They tell scary human stories!

What should you do at a Halloween party if a zombie rolls their eyes at you?

Roll them back to them!

I'm going to a Halloween party as a sweet shop owner.

Tried on my outfit, and my friend said “Give me a twirl”!

I have won first place in this Halloween costume contest 16 years in a row...

This year I'm a hotdog. I'm on a roll!

Did you hear about the zombie cow?

He wants to eat your GRAAAAIIIIINNNS!

What do you call Winnie the Pooh on Halloween?

Winnie the Boo!

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi!

Which November holiday is Dracula’s favorite?

Fangs-giving!

Why is Fortnite so popular on Halloween?

Because all of the hills are haunted!

What did Postman Pat deliver to Dracula?

Letters from his fang club!

What did the ghost teacher say to the class?

Look at the board and I will go through it again!

What would you find on a haunted beach?

A sand-witch!

What kind of ghost has the best hearing?

The eeriest!

What do players at Wimbledon eat on Halloween?

Strawberries and scream!

What type of pasta do they serve at the haunted house?

Fettuccini afraido!

Why didn’t the fettuccine go out for Halloween?

It was too alfredo!

What did the zombie say to the villager?

Nice to eat you!

What's a witch's favourite make-up?

Ma-scare-a!

What do you learn at witch school?

Spelling!

What is a skeleton's favourite musical instrument?

The trom-BONE!

What sort of birthday food do ghosts prefer?

I scream cake!

What do ghosts eat for dinner?

Spook-hetti!

What is a ghost's favourite pudding?

I-scream!

What's the funniest day of the year?

Ha-halloween!

Did you hear abut the vampire who got a pet dog?

He'd always wanted a bloodhound!

Why can't Frankenstein fly?

He never makes it through the metal detector!

Who delivers monster babies?

The Franken-stork!

What game do monsters play?

Hide and shriek!

How does Frankenstein get around town?

Monster truck!

What kind of streets do zombies prefer?

Dead ends!

What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces?

A toasty ghosty!

What do you call a witch with chickenpox?

An itchy witchy!

When do ghosts eat breakfast?

In the moaning!

What do you call a mummy who tastes like candyfloss?

A yummy mummy!

What do little monsters call their parents?

Mummy and Dead-y!

What animal is best at baseball?

A bat!

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

No, they eat their fingers separately!

What's a mummy's favourite kind of music?

Wrap!

What do the fastest witches use to get around?

Vroomsticks!

Why don't they play music in skeleton church?

No organs!

Why did the ghost go to the sales?

He was a bargain haunter!

Did you hear about the monster who ate too many houses?

He was homesick!

What do witches use to style their hair?

Scare spray!

Why did the skeleton cross the road?

To get to The Body Shop!

On what day are ghosts most scary?

Fright-day!

Why did the zombie stay home from school?

He felt rotten!

Why are vampires unpopular?

They're a pain in the neck!

Which Shakespeare play do ghosts like best?

Romeo and Ghoul-iet!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite!

What do ghosts put on their turkey?

Grave-y!

Doctor, doctor! They are saying in the waiting room that you've become a vampire...

Necks please!

How do you get into a locked graveyard?

Use a skeleton key!

Why did the skeleton go to the restaurant?

For spare ribs!

Why did the witch go to the doctor?

She had a dizzy spell!

What was the ghost's best position?

Ghoulkeeper!

How do you make a witch itch?

Take away the 'w'!

What kind of letters do vampires get?

Fang mail!

How would you describe a monster with amazingly good hearing?

Eerie!

What tool helps a ghost lie perfectly flat?

A spirit level!

What did the monster eat after it had its teeth taken out?

The dentist!

What’s big, furry and has eight wheels?

A monster on roller skates!

On what day do monsters eat people?

Chewsday!

What should you say if you meet a ghost?

"How do you boo?"

What happenes to witches who break the school rules?

They get ex-spelled!

What’s the best thing to give a seasick monster?

Plenty of room!

What monster fits on the end of your finger?

The bogeyman!

What do you find up a ghost’s nose?

Boogers!

How do ghosts fly?

British Scareways!

How do monsters like their eggs?

Terri-fried!

What kind of TV do you find in a haunted house?

Widescream!

Can a monster jump higher than a tree?

Of course - trees can't jump!

What do you do when 50 ghosts visit your house?

Hope it's Halloween!

Who did Dracula go on a date with?

His ghoul-friend!

How do monsters count to 13?

On their fingers!

What do you get if you cross a teacher with a vampire?

A blood test!

What’s a monster favourite dessert?

Leeches and scream!

What noise did the witch’s cereal make?

Snap, cackle and pop!

What ghosts haunt hospitals?

Surgical spirits!

What's the one room a ghost doesn't need in its house?

A living room!

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?

He had no body to go with!

What are ghosts' favourite trees?

Ceme-trees!

How do vampires get into houses?

Through the bat flap!

Why did the vampire brush his teeth?

He had bat breath!

Where do you find a monster snail?

At the end of a monster's finger!

What do ghosts say to their children?

Spook when you're spooken to!

What do you use to mend a jack-o-lantern?

A pumpkin patch!

How can you tell if there’s a monster in your fridge?

You can't shut the door!

What do you do with a green monster?

Wait until it's ripe!

What did the daddy ghost say to the baby ghost?

Fasten your sheet belt!

What is Dracula’s favourite dog?

A bloodhound!

What happened to the bad-tempered witch?

She flew off the handle!

How does Dracula stay fit?

He plays batminton!

Why did the skeleton quit?

His heart wasn't in it!

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