Harry Potter Jokes

These Harry Potter jokes are magical!

All the funny Harry Potter jokes you could ever wand!

In fact, if you don't get these Harry Potter jokes, there must be something RON with you!

When you're done here, don't forget to check out our Marvel film jokes, our Disney jokes, or try the random Joke Generator.

What language does Postman Pat use when delivering to Hogwarts?

Parceltongue!

Where did Hamm go to school?

Hogwarts!

How do the Malfoys get into bed?

They Slytherin!

Why does Professor Snape stand in the middle of the road?

You’re never sure what side he’s on!

Why is Garrick Ollivander never home?

He's a wanderer!

What does Harry Potter have that Voldemort doesn't?

A nose!

Which Hogwarts master gets the blame for everything that goes wrong?

Professor Snapegoat!

How many Slytherins does it take to stir a cauldron?

One - he puts his wand in the cauldron and the world revolves around him.

Knock, knock! Who's there? Oliver Wood. Oliver Wood who?

Oliver Wood like to come in so can you open the door, please?

What do you call Hogwarts students who share a dorm?

Broom-mates!

Why did Crabbe and Goyle cross the road?

They were following Draco.

What is Aragog's favourite day of the week?

Flyday!

What does Voldemort eat for breakfast?

Huffle Puffs!

What's the first thing wizards do in the morning?

They wake up!

Why did Voldemort cross the road?

Because Harry Potter couldn't stop him!

How does Voldemort keep his breath fresh?

Dementos!

Why did the Death Eater cross the road?

Because the Dark Lord ordered it!

How can you tell if someone's a pureblood?

Don't worry - they'll tell you soon enough!

Why doesn't Voldemort wear glasses?

Nobody nose!

How many Muggles does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but it's the only thing they're good for.

Why can't Harry Potter tell his best friend from his potion pot?

They're both cauldron!

How does Harry Potter get down hills?

J.K. Rowling!

On a scale of one to ten, how obsessed with Harry Potter are you?

About nine and three quarters!

Wizards who drink Polyjuice Potion...

...are people two!

Knock, knock! Who's there? You know. You know who?

Exactly! AVADA KEDAVRA!

How do you get a mythical creature into your house?

Through the Gryffindor!

Why does Neville have his trousers specially made?

Longbottom!

How does the Dark Lord know Nagini loves him?

Because she gives him lots of hugs and hisses!

Why does Voldemort prefer Twitter to Facebook?

Because he has no friends, only followers.

Where does Dumbledore hide his army?

Up his sleevy!

What's the difference between Crookshanks and a comma?

Crookshanks has claws at the end of her paws, but a comma is a pause at the end of a clause!

How many wizards does it take to change a light bulb?

Two - one to hold the bulb, and one to make the room revolve!

Why is Mad-Eye Moody a rotten teacher?

He can't control his pupils!

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