We’ve got all the funniest kids’ jokes here…
We searched far and wide for these funnies, and kids from every corner of the country cracked us up with their comedy talent. Here’s a selection of the funniest kids’ jokes of 2019, starting with the winners of our big competition.
At the bank a lady asked me to check her balance…
So I pushed her over!
YouTube, Twitter and Facebook are making a joint website. What would it be called?
A Mexican man says to his friends: “I can disappear in three seconds”:
Uno…dos… and then he disappears without a tres!
Have you seen the new movie, Constipated?
No? That’s because it hasn’t come out yet!
What’s the difference between Harry Hill and Dennis the Menace?
Nothing; they both have great Gnashers!
I went to the doctor this morning and said “I’ve swallowed a golf ball…”
The doctor said, “Yes, I can see it’s gone down a fairway!”
What is green and not heavy?
What do you call a magic Labrador?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he farted so he had to run away from the smell!
Why was the aeroplane ill?
It had the flew!
What’s the name of the teacher who is always late?
A chef asked me to check the balance of the chilli and onion in a soup…
…so I pushed it over!
What is the smelliest game?
What’s a cat’s favourite nursery rhyme?
Three Blind Mice!
What did the tree say to the tree surgeon?
You’re committing high treeson!
What do you call a pig that knows karate?
What did mummy pasta say to baby pasta?
It’s pasta your bedtime!
Why does a mouse do the washing up?
To make it squeaky clean!
What is the most dangerous part of the body?
The shoulder blades!
Why was Eeyore down the toilet?
Because he was looking for Pooh!
Which bird steals soap from your bath?
A robber duck!
What’s a rabbit’s favourite type of music?
How do you make a goldfish age?
Take out the G and Fish!
What’s a horse’s favourite cheese?
What is a horse’s favourite song lyric?
Now watch me whip, now watch me nay, nay!
What did the cow say to Ariana Grande?
You’ve got the mooooooves!
Why did the traffic light say to the car?
Hey! Don’t look, I’m about to change!
Why did the boy’s computer break?
He tried eating his cookies with milk!
Why did the boy go to the corner of his hot classroom?
Because it was 90 degrees!
What do you call two people who rob clothes shops?
A pair of knickers!
What is Beethoven doing in his grave?
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello to the other sideeeeee!
What’s a candle’s least favourite colour?
What happened when the frog’s car broke down?
He jump started it!
Why did the man fall down a hole?
Because it was April Falls’ Day!
Did you hear the rumour about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn’t have spread it!
What do you get when a cow jumps on a trampoline?
Daddy put the cat out…
I didn’t know he was on fire!
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field!
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam!
Two crisp packets are walking down the road. A man in a car comes along and asks if they want a ride…
“No thanks we’re Walkers!”
Why don’t shellfish share?
Because they’re shellfish!
Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Why did the cookie call the doctor?
Because his world was crumbling!
What did the tree say to the other tree?
You look leafy!
What happens when you mix a shark and a cow together?
I don’t know but I wouldn’t want to milk it!
What did the log say to the other log?
Wood you be my girlfriend?
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrrrrrrrrh!
How do Wookies like their cookies?
What has four legs and is bubbly?
A giraffe in a bath!
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Ash. Ash who?
Here’s a tissue!
Where does a dog go to get another tail?
The re-tail shop!
Why didn’t the donkey cross the road?
Because he saw what happened to the zebra!
Why was the computer cold?
Because Windows was left open!
Why did the cow cross the road?
To watch a moo-vie!
What’s the most popular name for a sheep?
Why did the doctor take a red pen to work?
In case she wanted to draw blood!
Why did the cow cross the road?
To listen to the moo-sician!
Why did the school ban scissors?
To stop people cutting class!
What is Darth Vader’s favourite fruit?
Ba-na-na-nas, ba-nanas, ba-nanas!
Why did the teddy bear say no to pudding?
Because he was stuffed!
What is bouncy and spikey?
A hedgehog playing basketball!
What do you get when you cross a zebra with flashing lights?
A zebra crossing!
Teacher: How do you spell London? Child: L… I… O Teacher: There’s no I in London!
Child: Yes there is, I went on it with my mum!
Why did the dog sit next to the fire?
He wanted to be a hot dog!
What do you call a sheep with no head or legs?
Which musical instrument is the best at catching fish?
What did prehistoric animals get instead of blisters?
How did the Japanese sauce say hello to the bee?
Why did the crisp cross the road?
It was a walker!
What did the dog say when it sat on some sharp stones?
Why did the elephants get kicked out of the swimming pool?
Because they couldn’t keep their trunks up!
What is a pirate’s favourite vegetable?
What kind of lunches do geometry teachers enjoy?
A lady went into a pet shop: “I want a parrot for my little girl…”
“Sorry, madam, we don’t do swaps.”
I got hit in the face with a snowball recently…
Knocked me out cold!
What’s a frogs favourite drink?
A child in church felt unwell. Her mum told her to go and vomit somewhere and when she came back her mum asked her where she did it…
“In that box labelled for the sick!”
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing!
What type of food is a duck and mole put together?
Why don’t you make a joke angry?
Because it always has a punchline!
Why are flowers never lonely?
Because of their little bud-dies!
What do you call Santa’s little helpers?
Why did the toilet roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
What do you call a comedian who can’t sit down?
A stand up comedian!
What do you say if a swarm of bees come at you?
Buzz off and beeware!
What was the atmosphere like when the past, present and future walked into class?
What do you call the best maze ever?
What did the policeman say to the bank robbing skunk?
I don’t like the scent of this one!
What is smelly and strong?
A cheese lifting weights!
My dog Minton ate two shuttle cocks…
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the moo-seum!
Doctor, doctor! Can you give me something for my wind?
Yes, have a kite!
Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed?
Because she couldn’t control her pupils!
What do you call a pile of cats?
How much food does a cat have at breakfast?
What do you do when your teacher rolls her eyes at you?
Pick them up and roll them back!
What did the monster ask his girlfriend?
Be my valen-slime!
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Knock, knock! Who’s there? The Police. How many are there of you? Two!
Talk to each other then!
Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other…
Do you know how to drive this thing?!
Why did the sheep cross the road?
He really wanted a chocolate baaaaa!
What did the cheese say when he looked in the mirror?
What do you call a very excited pillow?
A whoopee cushion!
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!
What did the shoe say to the other shoe?
You’re bootiful, fancy going for a walk?!
Where do fish keep their money?
In a river bank!
What type of wall saves a goal?
What does a lemon need when it hurts itself?
What do you call a snowman’s dog?
A slush puppy!
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
How do you fry a black and white bear?
With a pan-duh!
Where do rabbits get their eyes checked?
What do you call a ghost comedian?