Kids' Jokes

We've got all the funniest kids' jokes here...

We searched far and wide for these funnies, and kids from every corner of the country cracked us up with their comedy talent. Here's a selection of the funniest kids' jokes of 2019, starting with the winners of our big competition. 

We've also got funny jokes on every subject, from Aladdin to space, and poop to eggs. Plus the Joke Generator is overflowing with all these jokes and more!

At the bank a lady asked me to check her balance…

So I pushed her over!

YouTube, Twitter and Facebook are making a joint website. What would it be called?

YouTwitFace!

A Mexican man says to his friends: "I can disappear in three seconds":

Uno...dos... and then he disappears without a tres!

Have you seen the new movie, Constipated?

No? That’s because it hasn’t come out yet!

What’s the difference between Harry Hill and Dennis the Menace?

Nothing; they both have great Gnashers!

I went to the doctor this morning and said “I've swallowed a golf ball..."

The doctor said, “Yes, I can see it's gone down a fairway!"

What is green and not heavy?

Light green!

What do you call a magic Labrador?

A Labracadabdoor!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because he farted so he had to run away from the smell!

Why was the aeroplane ill?

It had the flew!

What’s the name of the teacher who is always late?

Mister Bus!

What do you call a pig that knows karate?

Pork chop!

What did the tree say to the tree surgeon?

You’re committing high treeson!

What's a cat's favourite nursery rhyme?

Three Blind Mice!

What is the smelliest game?

Top Trumps!

A chef asked me to check the balance of the chilli and onion in a soup...

…so I pushed it over!

Why was Eeyore down the toilet?

Because he was looking for Pooh!

What is the most dangerous part of the body?

The shoulder blades!

Why does a mouse do the washing up?

To make it squeaky clean!

What did mummy pasta say to baby pasta?

It’s pasta your bedtime!

What is a horse’s favourite song lyric?

Now watch me whip, now watch me nay, nay!

What’s a horse's favourite cheese?

Mascarpone!

How do you make a goldfish age?

Take out the G and Fish!

What’s a rabbit’s favourite type of music?

Hip-Hop!

Which bird steals soap from your bath?

A robber duck!

What did the cow say to Ariana Grande?

You’ve got the mooooooves!

What do you call two people who rob clothes shops?

A pair of knickers!

Why did the boy go to the corner of his hot classroom?

Because it was 90 degrees!

Why did the boy’s computer break?

He tried eating his cookies with milk!

Why did the traffic light say to the car?

Hey! Don’t look, I’m about to change!

Why did the man fall down a hole?

Because it was April Falls Day!

What happened when the frog’s car broke down?

He jump started it!

What’s a candle’s least favourite colour?

Blue!

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello to the other sideeeeee!

What is Beethoven doing in his grave?

De-composing!

Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?

To go with the traffic jam!

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field!

Daddy put the cat out...

I didn’t know he was on fire!

What do you get when a cow jumps on a trampoline?

Mikshake!

Did you hear the rumour about butter?

Never mind, I shouldn’t have spread it!

Why don’t shellfish share?

Because they’re shellfish!

Two crisp packets are walking down the road. A man in a car comes along and asks if they want a ride…

“No thanks we’re Walkers!”

What did the tree say to the other tree?

You look leafy!

Why did the cookie call the doctor?

Because his world was crumbling!

Why did the boy eat his homework?

Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!

Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they arrrrrrrrrh!

What did the log say to the other log?

Wood you be my girlfriend?

What happens when you mix a shark and a cow together?

I don’t know but I wouldn’t want to milk it!

Why didn’t the donkey cross the road?

Because he saw what happened to the zebra!

Where does a dog go to get another tail?

The re-tail shop!

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Ash. Ash who?

Here’s a tissue!

What has four legs and is bubbly?

A giraffe in a bath!

How do Wookies like their cookies?

Chewie!

Why did the doctor take a red pen to work?

In case she wanted to draw blood!

What’s the most popular name for a sheep?

Baabara!

Why did the cow cross the road?

To watch a moo-vie!

Why was the computer cold?

Because Windows was left open!

Why did the cow cross the road?

To listen to the moo-sician!

What do you get when you cross a zebra with flashing lights?

A zebra crossing!

What is bouncy and spikey?

A hedgehog playing basketball!

Why did the teddy bear say no to pudding?

Because he was stuffed!

What is Darth Vader's favourite fruit?

Ba-na-na-nas, ba-nanas, ba-nanas!

Why did the school ban scissors?

To stop people cutting class!

What did prehistoric animals get instead of blisters?

Dino sores!

Which musical instrument is the best at catching fish?

A clarinet!

What do you call a sheep with no head or legs?

A cloud!

Why did the dog sit next to the fire?

He wanted to be a hot dog!

Teacher: How do you spell London? Child: L… I… O Teacher: There's no I in London!

Child: Yes there is, I went on it with my mum!

What is a pirate’s favourite vegetable?

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrtichokes!

Why did the elephants get kicked out of the swimming pool?

Because they couldn’t keep their trunks up!

What did the dog say when it sat on some sharp stones?

Ruff!

Why did the crisp cross the road?

It was a walker!

How did the Japanese sauce say hello to the bee?

Wasa-bee!

What kind of lunches do geometry teachers enjoy?

Square meals!

A child in church felt unwell. Her mum told her to go and vomit somewhere and when she came back her mum asked her where she did it...

“In that box labelled for the sick!"

What’s a frogs favourite drink?

Croak-a-cola!

I got hit in the face with a snowball recently…

Knocked me out cold!

A lady went into a pet shop: "I want a parrot for my little girl..."

"Sorry, madam, we don’t do swaps."

What do you call Santa’s little helpers?

Subordinate Clauses!

Why are flowers never lonely?

Because they have their little bud-dies!

Why don’t you make a joke angry?

Because it always has a punchline!

What type of food is a duck and mole put together?

Quackamole!

Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?

He was perfecting his swing!

What do you call the best maze ever?

A-maze-ing!

What was the atmosphere like when the past, present and future walked into class?

Tense!

What do you say if a swarm of bees come at you?

Buzz off and beeware!

What do you call a comedian who can’t sit down?

A stand up comedian!

Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?

In case they get a hole in one!

Why did the toilet roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom!

What is smelly and strong?

A cheese lifting weights!

What did the policeman say to the bank robbing skunk?

I don’t like the scent of this one!

Doctor, doctor! Can you give me something for my wind?

Yes, have a kite!

Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the moo-seum!

My dog Minton ate two shuttle cocks...

Bad Minton!

What do you do when your teacher rolls her eyes at you?

Pick them up and roll them back!

How much food does a cat have at breakfast?

A meow-thful!

What do you call a pile of cats?

A miaowntain!

Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed?

Because she couldn’t control her pupils!

Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other…

Do you know how to drive this thing?!

Knock, knock! Who’s there? The Police. How many are there of you? Two!

Talk to each other then!

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He Neverlands!

What did the monster ask his girlfriend?

Be my valen-slime!

What did the shoe say to the other shoe?

You’re bootiful, fancy going for a walk?!

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers!

What do you call a very excited pillow?

A whoopee cushion!

What did the cheese say when he looked in the mirror?

Halloumi!

Why did the sheep cross the road?

He really wanted a chocolate baaaaa!

What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?

Nacho cheese!

What do you call a snowman’s dog?

A slush puppy!

What does a lemon need when it hurts itself?

Lemon-aid!

What type of wall saves a goal?

A D-fence!

Where do fish keep their money?

In a river bank!

What do you call a ghost comedian?

Dead funny!

Where do rabbits get their eyes checked?

Hop-ticians!

How do you fry a black and white bear?

With a pan-duh!

Silly jokes: link from kids' jokes to silly jokes.

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